Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.
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Day 2 of being Kidnapped.
Kidnappers have now committed suicide.
Me: [shaking uncontrollably watching political satire]
Her: are you alright?
Me: YES THIS IS HOW I RELAX NOW
Gym instructor: It’s never too late to start working out.
Me: Fantastic! I’ll start tomorrow.
5yo [pulling a baby hat out of a drawer]: Why do we have this? Is this for when we have more babies?
Me: Ye-
Husband: NO MORE BABIES.
I told my kids I’m not coming out of the bathroom until they stop fighting, I’m really looking forward to a long nap and some me time
sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
Watching married people in love on twitter is so refreshing…
It would be even more refreshing, if they were married to eachother
I spend a lot of time contemplating the mysteries of life, like why the wall the natives built to keep Kong out had a Kong-sized door in it.
DRUG DEALER: what’ll it be man
ME: *wearing a wire* some drugs please
[at the surveillance van]
DEA AGENT: did he just say some drugs
Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band
If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it
If I were a manager at Stabucks I would be like, “You showed up latte for work today!” then when the laughing stops, “but no, you’re fired.”
The neighbors left a perfectly good doll at the curb with their trash and I’ve seen enough horror movies to know to leave it there.
HIM: whatcha thinkin’ about?
ME: *thinking about how polar ice caps are melting yet Santa still gives naughty children coal instead of a clean, renewable resource alternative* …oh, nuthin’
them: talk is cheap
me: two talks please
listerine whitening mouthwash is just purple shampoo for teeth
getting off the floor: the extreme sport of middle age
Dog 1: *whispering* you got any drugs?
Dog 2: who said that? Are you a spider?
No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.
“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”
ME: let’s do some lines do you have a dollar bill?
GUY: *pulls out wallet to reveal a badge* bad news buddy
ME: yeah you can’t snort anything with that
Going to couples therapy with my alibi until we make it work because I’m not giving up on this relationship.
my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing
crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged
Sorry I fell in love when you did your flailing arms dance
me: what’s the fish that kills you if it’s prepared wrong
waiter: fugu, but tonight’s chef is very good
me: ok then *closes menu* I’ll come back tomorrow
While in restaurants as a kid, my parents would pay by credit card in a machine that looked like it could take your finger off
*beach*
Lifeguard: Dammit, I just stepped on your dog’s crap!
Me: I guess that makes you a liar.
Lifeguard: Excuse me?!
Me: The sign says “No Lifeguard On Duty.”
relationship goals
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA ARE HIDING BEHIND THE CORNER. THEY ARE GOING TO JUMP OUT AND TAKE YOUR PHONE, WALLET AND PURSE.