Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.
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2016 took so many beautiful, talented men I’ve loved my entire life. Seems unfair that I still have to dodge my ex at the grocery store.
Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions
When he really likes something I’m eating or drinking my 3yo will say “let’s pretend it’s mine now!” which is just a really cute way to steal my shit.
I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.
*my tweet gets 1,000 likes* My wit is classic, timeless, adored by all
*my tweet gets 4 likes* My wit is clever, genius, understood by few
I just saw The Big Sick and now I’m negotiating with my doctor to place me in a medically induced coma and then speed dial my true love.
[holding ur new baby]
Bet I could beat him in Street Fighter
Look at phone to see what the time is.
Check Twitter
Check Facebook
Check emails
Take a photo of my dogs
Watch a cat video
Check Instagram
Check Twitter
Look at some photos of my dogs
Send a text
Watch another cat video
Check TwitterStill no clue what the time is.
Me: ooooohhhh look at all the colorful new spring clothes!
Also me: *buys another black t-shirt*
I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it
What if the hobbits couldn’t fly the eagles into Mordor because the eagles were made by Boeing
I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn’t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.
Why is called the Vatican and not Holywood?
Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–
I only needed to open the last 7 presents I’d wrapped before I found the one I’d left the scissors in this year, which is nice.
me: I forgot my line
movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip
Gloria Gaynor: Go on now, go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now because you’re not welcome anymore
Hotel California manager: Gloria, a word
Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw
Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.
Roadtripping with my family has taught me that my marriage can withstand anything except roadtripping with my family.
I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.
My 3yo said that if a stranger tried to get into our house through the chimney she’d turn the fireplace on so actually Santa is the one who better watch out
I like my coffee like I like my slaves.
Free, you racist.
Went on a date once.
He ordered for me, “She’ll have a small side salad.”
I said, “Yes, and a side of sirloin and a loaded baked potato.”
I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!
I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.
Fellas, stop putting rings in our food and let us eat our Crème Brûlée in peace.
It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.
My favourite school memory?
One time we were talking about different olive oils and the teacher asked what does extra virgin mean and everyone turned to look at me.
I would be okay with a ghost in the house if every time a bathroom mirror fogged up with steam, it slowly wrote out “DID YOU LOSE WEIGHT?”