*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*
Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry
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*working in hospital with med student*
me: ok so this patient is here today with a lot of crystals
med student: oooh u mean like those healing crystals
me: no the crystals are in their urine
med student: oooh so like harming crystals
me: correct
Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.
[touring our solar system]
alien: so they named all their planets after their gods?
guide: all but one
alien: what’s better than gods?
guide: *checks notes* dirt
Seize the day! by its legs and lock it in chains. Hold a mock trial, find the day guilty. Behead the day. Bury the day in a nameless grave.
I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college
I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume she’s a weirdo or she’s punishing herself for swearing again.
Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.
Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.
My house is almost 80 years old, so are some of the spiders, judging by the size of them.
Her: My God…yours is huge!
Me: It’s the biggest gift card Sizzler sells, baby.
*slow wink*
I’m a lot like a wild Pokémon in the bedroom. I only know four moves and I come out of nowhere.
I know I have a dark sense of humour sometimes, but I’m genuinely just trying to make people laugh and never really trying to be offensive
Unless, of course, you’re vegan lol
*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.
I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.
My chakras have been itchy all day but it turns out it was just a dryer sheet.
why does PayPal sound vaguely threatening
This meeting could have been an email. That email could have been a fistfight in the alley
i’m taking care of a guys owl next week and he just sent me this list of rules. what the hell
i cannot relate to all these YA main characters that have the focus and determination to complete their little tasks and save the world. after about two weeks when the hyperfixation of it wore of, i’d let the planet die bc i discovered knitting
Dear autocorrect,
I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.
Quit your shit.
While Twitter was down yesterday, I managed to finish my book report on War and Peace…. of course it was due in 1978, but that’s not really relevant here.
Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me-
Me: [takes all of my laundry out of the dryer without dropping any of it on the floor]
Shania Twain: oh shit wow
My kid systematically checks me for weakness like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park testing the fence
[everyone in the STI clinic glaring at my Pokemon shirt]
“No no it means like, I want to catch all the Pokemon”
I’m just saying, no dog has ever ghosted me
Not sure where your kids are? Make a phone call. They’ll be in your face in no time.
People who say “adorbs” make me miserbs