[on knees]
“Oh God… please make this hangover go away.”
[from heavens]
“Due to the Saint Patrick’s Day holiday, we are experiencing abnormally high call volumes. Please hold, and God will answer your prayers in the order in which they were received.”
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The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
One time a guy left a full glass of sangria behind on a first date and I pretended I forgot my sunglasses so I could run back and chug it.
4-year-old: Why does mom always yell at you?
Me: Marriage is complicated.
4: Is it because you’re stupid?
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk
[antique store]
customer: I want something new for my living room
me: do… do you know what antique means
What’s the biggest gaffe you’ve ever made? Mine was congratulating a coworker on a non-existant pregnancy. Turns out he’d just gotten really fat.
Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody
(gets elected)
Me: I never said that.
the name “alvin and the chipmunks” implies that while simon and theodore are chipmunks, alvin himself is something else, something far more sinister
me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard
Some choices are easier than others:
An emergency doctor’s appt vs a much needed hair appt.
At least if I die my hair will be cute.
Invited my girlfriend to a charity bbq where they’re roasting a whole pig and when she asked ‘what’s the charity’ I said it was for the pig’s family.
I kinda want one of those priest collar thingys. If it gets me through airport security fast AND keeps kids away from me. I’m in.
“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”
-no girl ever
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Elephant: [rolls eyes]
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.
My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport
My dog just watched me take my contacts out and I think she may need therapy now.
Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?
Work in retail. If we say it’s not out the back, it’s not. But you pricks insist so we say fine and take a free break. Once I was hungover so took a cheeky nap, came out 15mins later pretending I’d looked EVERYWHERE. She was so grateful I tried, told my manager I was fantastic.
getting a nose ring so i don’t lose my keys
If you just hang in there life gets really good by episode 4000
The biggest mystery of our time
This is funnier than it should be. 😂
me: bless me father for i have sinned
mailman: [thru mail slot] what’s it this time
I don’t clap when the plane lands but I would boo if it crashed
Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.
My wife and I just renewed our vows of celibacy.
I used to hate Mondays before I became a parent
Me: oh man, I love the 80s
My grandparents: we have names
I can’t wait for my grandma to ask me repeatedly why I don’t have a boyfriend “because I’m such a pretty girl”.
I’m a psycho, grandma.