I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.
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Each year millions of innocent lives are lost when they accidentally board the wrong plane bound straight for the waiting mouth of a child.
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
hey boy 😉 is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see m- oh, it is a gu- yes i will open the cash register
Wife: You’ll never guess what I got you for your birthday.
Me: A 3-way with your sister?
Wife: *storms out
Me: omg did I ruin the surprise?
An air mattress is the best way to tell your houseguests not to stay too long.
Yes I’m doing it wrong but I’m doing it wrong in the right way.
First in my neighborhood to cut the grass and now the other husbands are looking at me like I reminded the teacher to assign homework.
Other moms: I hate summer break
Me: I love summer break – I have no laundry to do since my kids never change their clothes
new career option?
I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.
when i see a tiny dog carrying a really big stick
Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.
I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.
if you’re not in my circle of trust , you’re probably in my triangle of suspicion or rhombus of doubt.
A lady at the apple orchard disco the other night asked if I was born a man or a woman and I, drunk, beckoned her close to whisper and then hollered I WAS BORN A BABY into her ear
[party]
What exactly does BYOB mean?“Bring your own beer”
Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
[first date]
“so what do you do?”
*thinking about the jar of coins I plan to use for new shrubs* I’m a hedge fund manager
I followed a guy because of one cleverly written tweet, but everything since then has been drivel. Now I know how people who follow me feel.
Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were
I can do 50-100 pushups depending on how many weeks you give me.
I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.
Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.
Executioner: This is literally your last meal.
Apparently the safe word has changed to…
NOT THERE IDIOT!!! Followed by a swift elbow to the eye….
If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me
Telling her she looks prettier than a chicken leg in an air fryer is a compliment that will not be taken as it was intended.
Me: I’m here for the free scoop of ice cream for my birthday.
Employee: Nice try. What does that make, 3 birthdays so far this year?
Me: *twirling fake mustache* Whatever do you mean?
Doing my civic duty by ensuring that my students know the difference between “lose” and “loose.”
“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?
Me: I’ll take a double cheeseburger, large fries and supersized coke…
Nurse: Sir, this is a colonoscopy