If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call
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My ex-wife got all the coffee when we split up. It was grounds for divorce.
YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.
One time I had to Google “What is a Snooki?” ngl I was disappointed it wasn’t a new Muppet
ME: We rescued her from the pound, but I often ask myself “who saved who?”
DOG: We’ve been over this…it’s “Who saved ‘whom’.”
“So lucky our kids have siblings so they’ll always be there for each other,” I mutter as I break up another physical fight between my daughters because they both want to be Hermione Granger for Halloween.
First minute of hiccups: teehee listen to me i’m so cute
10th minute of hiccups: I YEARN FOR THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH
Love means never having to say you’re sorry.
…so does murder.
I can’t listen to music with my headphones at the office. Apparently everyone doesn’t enjoy the way I sing out loud
Windows: Would like to…
⚪️ Restart
⚪️ Update and restartMe: I’d like to restart
Windows:
Salad is the decaf of food.
Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?
The #AshleyMadisonHack is getting out of hand. Site just revealed that I’ve been cheating on my diet. I’m not even sure how they’d know that
The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners
The Harry Potter series is such bullshit. Like we’re supposed to believe a boy with an invisibility cloak ever left the girl’s locker room.
*picks up rotary phone*
Nine (ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta)
One (ta)Murderer: Lol
On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”
The IUD is the Beyond Burger of contraceptives because we can all agree it’s for the best but also what did I just put inside me?
Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.
There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.
Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.
When is this ball dropping?!? And why am I the only one in Times Square right now?!?
DATE: My last boyfriend was such trash.
ME: *3 raccoons in a trench coat but trying to play it cool* I would not have liked that.
For security reasons, I highly recommend that you leave one of your children home during the holidays to set elaborate booby traps in case of intruders.
Me: *snuggles under electric blanket*
Husband, from the other room: Are you cooking? I smell butter or grease or something
And that’s how I know I’ve eaten too much
Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?
Me neither.
Me: You know, in the 70s everyone wanted shag carpet, but now all they seem to want is smooth wood or tile floors.
My Brother: You’re not talking about flooring, are you.
Me: Nope.
Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex
Why?
How I answer every text when my friends with little kids ask me what I’m doing tonight
Related – I never babysit
literally so stressful to bag your own groceries in front of a trader joes employee. like playing basketball in front of lebron. please can you scan slower. i’m sweaty and i am getting scared