[drops a pinch of fish food into fish tank]
ME: here ya go little buddies
FISH: oh wow pukey shit flakes again, thanks man
You Might Also Like
Beanbag chairs are fun and comfortable but you should never buy one because one day you’ll get some really bad news and you’ll have to roll off the side and onto the floor before standing up to comfort your partner.
I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.
funny that they call it a bell pepper, and yet the onion rings
FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples
3% human
97% stress
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
who named him groot and not spruce lee
Took over 70 days of quarantine but we finally got that roll of Christmas wrapping paper from behind the bedroom door put away.
“Matter cannot be created nor destroyed…”
Then explain to me why my kids can manage to turn a bathtub full of water into four bathtubs of water outside of said tub?
If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.
It’s science.
This quarantine is making it hard to ignore calls from people I don’t want to talk to. It’s not like I can say “Sorry mom I was at the movies.”
I just saw a skunk and a possum walking through my backyard and i of course assume they’re off on some kind of adventure
PRIEST: god knows how you’re behaving, and has a huge problem with it
ME (wasn’t listening): and also with you
When your friend wants to do a drive by but none of us can see that good at night anymore.
The fridge beeped at my 5yo because he left the door open too long deciding what to eat, and he yelled back IT’S AN EMERGENCY OK
A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.
It’s fine when the cat looks like this. Hell it’s actually good.
India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. That’s a heck of a place to put a call centre.
Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt
When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.
What do you want him to do?
Fry yam?
Doctor: you have 2 weeks to live
Me: is there anything you can do?
Doctor: I can juggle
Me: nice I’ve always wanted to learn how to do that
Doctor: well it took me 3 weeks
had a talk with my manager where i told him it’s hard to do my job when i’m left off of emails/meetings and he said “well when you’re left out just let me know” and then i stared at him until he went “but if you were left out, you wouldn’t know….”
Imagine Dragons.
No. Dragoner.
My location is on so my wife can see that I am where I say I am.
My wife’s location is on so I can hide the drinking glass and start cleaning while she’s on her way home from work.
Today’s assignment:
If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”
I do not hit my children. However, I do text them in complete sentences with capitalization and punctuation, which is apparently equally aggressive.
I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.
Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. It’s always the same angel. It’s covered in wings now and wants to die but can’t
Me: I’m going to be late.
Boss, over the phone: What happened?!
Me, stuck up to my neck in rice: Well, funny story…I couldn’t find a towel.
I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool