If you come across a bear in the woods, it’s best to just wipe it off and apologize.
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Standing in the liquor store, trying to decide if tonight’s dose of self-loathing and regret should have a screw-top or a cork.
I remember Daddy told me fairy tales can come true so any time an old lady offers me an apple or cookie I kill her and bury her in the woods
To avoid the awkward 5 minutes, lean over and give the cashier butterfly kisses while waiting for your 500 foot CVS receipt.
“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”
That is definitely a reality show I would watch.
One of the toughest things about being single is not having anyone around to nag you to buy new underwear.
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?(Lionel Richie, speed dating)
[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”
I’m older than the internet. When I was a kid we didn’t Google things, we had to ask our parents and then carefully filter through the bullshitery
Me:*smashes car window to rescue baby*
Her:”WTF I was getting the stroller from the trunk!”
Me:”Yeah, but you had Coldplay on the radio.”
People keep wishing January was over like the worst month of the year isn’t coming up next. Thats like wishing someone would stop arguing with you and just punch you in the face.
“It says on your profile you’re part of an orchestra? What instrument do you play?”
“Gun”
Zombies..stay away from junk people or you’ll gain a shit-ton of weight.
rt if you’d call your friend just to tell them that potatoes came to japan in 1600
this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade
Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.
“When are you due?”
Insulted, she flashes me a glare and relocates to another seat.
My eyes stay fixed on the library book she left behind.
I asked my boyfriend “How pretty am I on a scale from 9.5-10?”
Hey everyone, my mom’s following me on Twitter now, so ixnay on all the eetstway about the ugsdray and exsay and acismray. Thanks
Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒
You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.
Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.
You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.
THERAPIST: what brings you in today?
ME: sharks lack the ability to hug.
THERAPIST: *starts to cry*
Never let me in your house because I will do stuff like this
Looks like the concierge is hitting on my wife again but who cares, this cherry danish I’m eating right now is on point nom nom nom!
I hope there’s a special place in hell for the guy who, right as the Zoom meeting leader was wrapping up, self-indulgently pontificated for five minutes and extended the meeting thus forcing me to involuntarily test the microphone “mute” feature with an epic string of expletives.
Me, responding to a text at 2 am: Oh they should be asleep so I’ll be free from talking until the morning
Them: *texts back in 30 seconds*
Me: I hate you
honestly there’s like 4 types of people. babies, 14 yr olds, people who are exactly ur age, and people who are 500 years old
The most embarrassing thing on my phone is my calculator history