When I die, my only wish is for my corpse to be respectfully catapulted onto a whitewater raft of people going down the Colorado river
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we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head
Nepobaby? Why, yes, I am, my father was Prom and Homecoming King in a town of 300, I can still get a discount at the local Ace Hardware if Steve is working.
My kids are playing cowboys and Indians. One is pretending to ride a horse and shoot stuff, the other is providing tech support.
Laser hair removal? That’s dumb. If I had laser hair, I’d keep it.
The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.
DOCTOR: i have good news and bad news
SCHRÖDINGER: give me both at the same time
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
AN OPEN LETTER TO COFFEE
Thanks.
On my way into the gym, I quietly drop my empty Reese’s Pieces box into the trash can. My commitment to healthy living remains steadfast.
My toxic trait is wanting things I can’t have, like sleep and lactose
The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos
ZUCKERBERG: im ready to answer any questions u might have about facebook
84-YEAR-OLD SENATOR: excellent. mr zuckerberg my farmville farm needs more pigs but i cannot figure out where to purchase them
I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.
[Storm into Octopus Boss’ office]
I want a raise or I quit!
[Octopus Boss is almost done camouflaging against the fern]
NOT THIS TIME
God: welcome to heaven, you will spend eternity visiting with your loved ones
Me: I was told there would be sleep
My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.
Wolves in sheep’s clothing. Wolves in human clothing. Wolves in short skirts and heels. Hot single wolves in your area.
Overheard: “He’s a good guy. He’s a fine attorney. He’s got three goats.”
I named all my Nest cameras “the bedroom”… now every time someone walks anywhere in my house my husband gets the notification “Nest noticed action in the bedroom “
Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.
I’m not saying I hate you but if you
were on fire I’d bring sticks and marshmallows.
Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?
I feel kinda affronted you expect me to make these serious decisions in such a short time
Optometrist sighing: Once again, Is it A or B?
what do we want???
CHEESECAKE
when do we want it???
PEOPLE VERY RARELY SAY THEY WANT SOMETHING THAT THEY DON’T WANT IMMEDIATELY
Cop: we have you surrounded come out with your hands up
Stick Figure: lol
Cop: wait are you surrendering or laughing right now
{Pixar Meet & Greet}
Buzz Lightyear: I’m a talking toy
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Lightning McQueen: I’m a talking car
Guy from UP: My wife died
Everyone:
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Hi, I’m Ben. You might remember me from such dates as “Hey, your friend is cute.” and “I forgot my wallet at home”.
My kid woke me up at 3AM to tell me there’s a monster in her bed and I just can’t wait to tell my wife what my kid called her.
Milk Cube
Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying