I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.
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Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.
13: can I play video games?
ME: yep
WIFE: nope
ME: absolutely not go think about what you’ve done don’t look at me in that tone of voice
BRITISH PERSON: cheerio
AMERICAN: cheerio cream filled deep fried flamin hot donut burger
The idiot’s diet is just biting your tongue.
Someone die? Time to get high!
Come on down to Barry’s Death Emporium where we put the FUN in funeral and the RAVE in grave!
(BYO shovel)
I haven’t had bread in 3 weeks. I look great but now all I think about is bread. I’m basically a duck at this point.
Every time I see a jogger that looks like they’re just about to pass out from running I always think, “Do they know they don’t need to be jogging?”
Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?
Me *stares around my empty house* everything
Me to 19 year old child: What did you order on YouTube for $20?
19: I don’t want to tell you.
Me: Was it porn?
19: It’s worse.
Me: What was it?
19: Beverly Hills Chihuahua 1 and 2
😆😆😆
Who decided that we have to get stuff done every day?
Day 4. They suspect nothing.
[being mugged]
ME: can i keep things of sentimental value?
ROBBER: ok
ME:[pulling things from wallet] my favorite cash…my lucky debit card
Skipping rocks with 11 at the lake thinking how great it is she’s not looking at a screen when she says, “This is fun, do you think there’s an app for this?”
My mom when I opened up a bag of candy in the backseat of the car.
God: *brings ribs to the wedding feast*
Adam: That’s not funny.
First day as a drug dealer. Made a ton of sales. Boy are people forgetful, they all left their wallets at home.Gonna be rich tomorrow though
I like my jims slim and my chances fat
Apparently all my new nephew wants to do is eat and sleep…which means he’s already a lot like me.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: Oh my gosh yes!
MAGICIAN: It’s been declined. Do you have another way to pay the deposit for your kid’s party?
*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”
Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die
Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”
I asked my wife what she wanted for dinner; she said “Surprise me”. So I broke a beer bottle across the counter.
I’m still very hungry.
Dinner then: lean protein, fresh vegetables, good carbs
Dinner now: on the rocks
ME: *watching a meteor shower
METEOR: Can you get out of my bathroom.
“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”
If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.
MORPHEUS: choose the red pill or the blue pill
NEO: which one turns into the coolest dinosaur
If I text you “🤔🥺😏🤦♂️😭😥🤨😔😘😔😏🤦♂️😏🤦♂️😉🤦♂️😘😊🏆🙄🤔🙄😏😔❤️💁🤨” it means my 4 year old stole my phone.
I’m not gay but I support their “agenda” – working, having a family, living in safety and fair, equal treatment.
Pretty radical shit.
People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.