Tell me your best thing today. Mine was I went to see ‘The Meg’ at the cinemas and this jerk kept kicking my chair. So I got up halfway through the movie, sat down in the empty chair behind him and kicked his chair until the end of the credits. 10/10, would pay $20 to do it again
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Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell ‘SOS’ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I’m a vegan.
“Oh my god, just put it in me, I can’t wait any more!”
– me to the doctor giving me the vaccine
I told my therapist I was afraid of spontaneously combusting, so she prescribed me an anti-inflammatory.
I hate self-promotional people. They’re so into themselves they probably don’t even realize I have a new album available on iTunes now
Only parents of toddlers know the anxiety of finding a sharpie lid on the floor.
How do I answer the question “do you react well to anesthesia?” if I’m not allergic & I wake up fine but also when I had a colonoscopy I told the doctor he looked like a sexy Aladdin & when my gallbladder was removed I started singing “Smoke on the Water” to the scrub nurse?
Everyone on earth: I’m terrible with names.
Me: Hi guys!
Everyone on earth: Oh, hi darren!
Humans share 70% of our DNA with zebrafish. So when you’re having difficulty getting anything done, it’s usually because a zebrafish is using the DNA.
Sorry I borrowed your pen and performed that emergency tracheotomy that turned out not to be an emergency.
And sorry about your neck hole.
“Wanna feel old..?”
No. Next question.
I’ve dated a depressed lawyer and a manic musician, but now I’m dating an emotionally stable psychic. He’s wonderful. A happy medium.
Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.
Take your age, multiply it by 3, divide that number by 3. That’s how old you are.
I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.
DR: Your cholesterol is high. What have you been eating?
ME: Mostly cholesterol.
[getting a checkup]
DOCTOR: On average, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: *sweating* NO ONE SAID THERE WOULD BE ANY MATH
APOLLO: I’ll be god of the sun
HERMES: OK I’ll take light-
A: I’m also light
ARTEMIS: I’ll take music
A: No I’m also music. That’s me too
Maybe all the vampires are always so angry and biting people because they can never eat any lasagne or spaghetti or anything that has garlic in it. Did you ever think about that? No you always think about yourself!
Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
Inventor of popcorn: Quickly! We have to put out the fire in the corn silo before it gets to the butter silo!
My new SUV has a button that says
“Rear Wiper”.
I’m afraid to push it.
Mmmm canned fish.
I have a coworker who clears her throat every 30 seconds…. each day I ask myself… is this the day I’m going to prison for murder?
*puts finger over your lips*
Shhhhhhhhhhhhh
*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*
My favourite interaction on this hellish site just happened
My husbands pet name for me is “What did you do to the non-stick pan?”
I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
My dad overheard a conversation at Thanksgiving about the show The Last of Us and wanted to binge it before Christmas, but he accidentally watched This Is Us instead and his texts to the group chat about “where are the zombies” are insane
I forgot you cant make depression jokes outside of twitter lmao my coworker was like “you ready for this year to be over?” I was like “im ready for this life to be over” he was like bro what
Your girlfriend isn’t hallucinating man, she’s actually seeing other people.