See that sad girl up on the hill with tears ?
That’s not me..I’m the one over there running away from a goose with a corn dog in my hand.
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Cleaned bathroom sink half hour ago. Then trimmed mustache over sink. Oh … That’s what all those women I lived with were complaining about.
You: Artfully arranges flowers in vase so the room looks nice
Me: Artfully arranges garbage in trash so the kids don’t see what I threw out
Just realized all my tweets are about my genitals . Time to change the subject.
Do you believe in aliens ?
If so , do they have genitals?
The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.
They should invent clothes that get fat with you
A psychologist on a podcast I listen to just said “if you want to be less anxious you need to worry less” so thank god he spent $80k on his PhD because this is absolute gold
Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.
My mom: you’re an adult and you need to start acting like one!
Also my mom: what do you mean you don’t want an Easter basket this year
The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot
Friend: not a fan.
Me: correct. you human.
*bolts upright in bed..
If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?
My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.
[2016, cincinnati zoo. boy falls into the enclosure]
other gorilla: something brought a boy to the yard
harambe [making a milkshake]: SHIT
GOOD COP: I’m going to read you your rights
BAD COP: I’m going to beat a confession out of you
CENTRIST COP: you both make some good points
if you play guitar in a band, always make sure to look like it hurts to play
Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
I distinctly remember back in January saying “I wish I could spend more time home.”
To all of you I deeply apologize for not saying “world peace”.
I’m always trying to trick my wife into believing that one of her favorite celebrities is Canadian. I call it mooselighting.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.
a group of crows is a murder
a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder
Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”
I phonebanked for @BernieSanders tonight and my skin is now clear, my gpa is rising, and my crops are flourishing
I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up
condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids
[Amphibian Playground]
BULLFROG: look at all u lil toad nerds
TOAD: help! a BULLYfrog!
TEACHER SNAKE: i’ll handle this *eats everyone*
Of course my husband went into sales. He told his drill sergeant at basic training he was allergic to fish because he didn’t like fish and got a sandwich made for him. IN THE ARMY.
“Do you believe in evolution?”
“No”
“Global warming?”
“No”
“Racial Equality?”
“No”
“Then what makes The West superior?
“Science! Logic!”
My entire life can be summed up by those anxious and awkward breaths; the ones where you wonder if the hiccups are really gone or not.
If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.