Texas principal: If that’s a homemade clock and not a bomb, what time is it?
Muslim student: Time for a lawsuit.
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Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife’s is around $643.27. Apparently
wife: did you vacuum under the couch
me: yep I did the whole basement
If you drop your pants for a “surprise checkup” and hear your doctor’s belt buckle hit the floor, you should probably head for the hills
*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!
Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.
[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]
playboy: “apparently they just read it for the articles” [takes out all nude women]
every man on earth: “well this has back-fired massively”
❎ Client not paid?
✅ Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away
8: “You know how Makayla and Abby are our cousins?”
Me: “Yeah”
8: “Did you know that WE’RE also THEIR cousins?!”
My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.
My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.
Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.
*at hostage negotiation class
Prof: Let’s go around and say why we’re here
Man: I joined the NYPD
Woman: I’m in the FBI
Me: I have a toddler
A penguin is a bird the way a hot dog is a sandwich
Me: It’s such a nice day, I’m going to sit outside, read, listen to music, and have a couple of beers
*Neighbors dog stands at fence and barks for five minutes straight*
Me: You’re right, pooch. I should go to a bar, stimulate the local economy, and hijack the TouchTunes.
9: (watching YouTuber play old school Mario)
Me: That’s the game I used to play when I was a kid.
9: You were alive back then?
Someone: you’re the coolest person I know!
Me: Omg wowww!!!!
My mind: (they need to meet more people)
*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?
me: do we have anything for a headache
wife: try the cupboard
me: won’t that get stuck in my throat
The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair
me: Do you think Muhammad Ali tried different animals? Like, “Float like a duck, sting like a jellyfish”?
wife: Go to sleep
Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.
I just want to feed somebody a extra large corndog too
you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”
38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out
Instead of taking melatonin just pay me to come to your home each night and I’ll tell you about my accounting job
This is my pinned tweet
7yr old: I’m going to set a world record for walking in circles around this chair. “Alexa, set a time for 90 minutes.”
Me: Do you realize that’s an hour and a half?
7: Oh, “Alexa, set a timer for 5 minutes.”
People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes
My iPhone does NOT rule my life.
Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.
whenever I watch shows like Love Island or Love Is Blind the first thing I think about is how they got that much annual leave