detective: this’ll make you talk
suspect: a banana?
detective: *starts chewing*
suspect: *crying* omg peel it
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When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
* deletes account
*reactivates
AND, ONE MORE THING…
Do you prefer to travel by gravy train or gravy boat
[first date]
Me: I’m a very reserved person
Me: [5 minutes later] if aliens abducted me no one would miss me
“Bob’s here”
Bob the surgeon or Bob who just pretends he’s a surgeon?
“We only know one Bob and he’s an accountant”
*arm falls off*
*Makes a meal plan for the week*
*Eats sandwiches every day instead because nobody tells me what to do*
A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.
What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?
– inventor of the roller coaster
Me: *violently swinging a stick* these piñatas are getting harder to hit
Zip line park owner: Hello 911? He’s back again
You know in the first “Austin Powers” when Dr. Evil tells the therapy group about his childhood? I can deliver that bit of dialog verbatim from memory.
Interviewer: Um…yes, well I’m not sure that would be particularly useful in a hospice facility.
I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.
If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK
The best defense against auto theft is not The Club. It’s 65 empty water bottles in the back seat and a rear window full of stuffed animals.
*agrees with someone online* Yeah, I agree.
*disagrees with someone online* YOU’RE NOT JUST WRONG YOU’RE HITLER AND I HATE YOU FOREVER
of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
one time i accidentally spilled some tabasco sauce on my grandma’s ouija board & the next thing i knew my pontiac fiero was on fire
When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.
When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
Come join me in the bath.
Bring snacks.
God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.
Angel: What do you call it?
God: A toddler.
Some women are called sirens I’m more of an annoying doorbell
In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.
Cashier: this coupon expired last week
Me: so did this yogurt
1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?
4.25pm: Yes, of course.
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
Remember friend.
A $5 iced latte a day is $25 a week, $100 a month, $1200 a year.
After 10 years.. that’s $12,000!
Which is still nowhere near enough to put a down payment on a house so enjoy your espresso in peace.
Is it still murder if they said, “Some other time,” but I thought they said smother time?
My cat has a legal name but she prefers to go by her pet name.