ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:
wat if harry poter was pokemon
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Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
Ask yourself, is she really crazy? Or is she just trying to get out of the next family event?
Nothing brings a large group of neighbors together like something that’s none of their business.
My 9-year-old drew her dream bedroom for an assignment at school. I asked her to show me so I could see if there were any simple upgrades I could do. She had my attention at the skydiving zone but lost me at the built-in McDonald’s.
Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe
Bus driver: I really don’t care
Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.
This chick just said Q as in cucumber.
I’ma just focus on me.
Me: *explains math problem*
Tween: I don’t understand.
Me: *explains the exact same way except more aggravated*
If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.
*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!Bank: You mean money?
*giggles*
Oh, bother…– Pooh robbing a bank
Imagine seeing the most perfect creature walking towards you. They stop. You look deep into their eyes, heart pounding with deep compassion. Your fingers tremble yearning to caress them.
And then you hear those words…
“He’s a service dog. You can’t pet him.”
*arrives in Las Vegas for first time at age 36*
Me: (in taxi on the Strip) Oh hell yes there’s a Walgreens AND a CVS next to my hotel.
When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.
Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.
[little old lady struggling to pick up her bag of library books off the floor]
Me: [walking by]
“It’s easier if you lift with your legs.”
I need a way to roll up a car window between me and a person talking to me when I’m not in a car
The pizza theorem:
“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”-Science
I’ve never been kidnapped and tortured but I have been forced to go to the store before Christmas and gotten stuck behind someone buying 25 gift cards.
Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.
[helping kid w/math]
What is 0.1 as a fraction?
“One tenth?”
Good, now what does 10% mean?
“Battery low, plug in your phone?”
Perfect
[1st date]
Me: Sooo…Is there anything you’d like to ask me?Him: Well, there is one thing I’ve been wondering
Me: *batting lashes* Go ahead
Him: Is that a piece of hot dog in your hair?
HERE GO MY IMPRESSION OF COMEDY SPECIALS:
JOEY TRUTHBOMBS – “TELLIN IT LIKE IT IS”
FOOTBALL COACH: *drawing up a play using Xs and Os* ..any questions?
ME: are we the hugs or the kisses?
[talking to a date]
“I hate rushing into relationships.”
[talking to a new friend]
“I’m tired of dating. Run away with me & we’ll get married in Vegas. We can start a raccoon farm outside of town & grow old together. No one can stop us.”
boomer parents will be text “call me” with the same urgency of a family member in the hospital or a question about what that one dessert was called that they had with you at a restaurant at the shore 3 years ago
If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.
Judas: I can’t wait for you to die
Jesus: what
Judas: Easter eggs, can’t wait for you to dye Easter eggs
Jesus: what eggs?
Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.