Mom would send me to the store and I would spend the change on candy and told her I lost it, so she started giving me exact change and I started losing a loaf of bread on the way home.
You Might Also Like
If one more teenager calls me ‘mam,’ I’m gonna
…probably let them carry my groceries because I’m old and life’s hard.
My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.
Mosquitoes be like “I know a spot” and then bite me in on that one part of my back I can’t reach
Why isn’t a fleet of helicopters just called hellacopters.
you know when you see people you were friends with as a teen and you’re like “wow they got really old” and then you’re like oh no
A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds
[Dinner with GF’s parents]
Thank you for having me over, can I use the bathroom?
“MAY I use the bathroom”
*slams fists down*
I ASKED FIRST
THERAPIST: You need to find yourself
WALDO: ah crap
[planning bank heist]
leader: we need a fall guy
me: [walks in wearing a flannel and carrying a pumpkin spiced latte]
leader: he’s perfect
Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.
Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
Being Man, a territorial animal, I assert dominance by sending Facebook Pokes.
Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..
Having watched me install a yard spotlight, the kids are looking at me in what I can only assume is awe, bathed as we all are in the glow of a whole new light.
I must say, I’m as surprised at them at just how quickly the flames have spread, though.
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
hear me out: jurassic park sequel, but from the point of view of the dinosaurs ALSO: kenny loggins soundtrack
Dear Abby,
I told my husband I didn’t want a grilled cheese when he was making one and now I want a grilled cheese. What do I do?
When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.
Me typing: univrsity
Autocorrect: Hey I caught a typo.
Me: Haha oops.
Autocorrect: You meant to say “U never city”
Me: Why would I say that?
Autocorrect: I fixed it and sent it to your dad.
Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.
app: do u want me to notify u
me: of what
app: of me
me: i know about u
app: this is to remind u
me: don’t need that
app: ok let’s discuss again later
If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?
Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?
I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN
They say a glass of water before meals helps curb your appetite. I’ve found donuts also work very well.
[in bathroom stall]
Me: …
Guy: …most people wait their turn outside of the stall
Growing up, mum was always like a beautiful bird. She would fly away and when she returned many hours later she would puke everywhere.
“Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby’s coming”
“We’re not bring ur new chainsaw-”
“HER NAME’S DEBBY”
me: *holding bowling ball*
friend: going bowling?
me: nope— playing enormous marbles