[marriage counseling]
He barely knows who I am anymore
“That’s not true, Karen”
LINDA, MY NAME IS LINDA
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The game has officially changed 😎
Cat is stressing him out.
I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!
My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…
CREATION OF THE WORLD DAY 1
ANGEL: I’m looking forward to watching this project evolve.
*awkward silence
GOD: We NEVER use that word here
Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.
My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.
*sits down in a classy as hell bar*
“barkeep! a bottle of your finest champagne please. I earn…”
*lowers shades*
“$200 every 4 months”
[first line of my romance novel] her eyes, they looked like they watched netflix
BREAKING NEWS: Due to the horrible conditions at Sochi, the Olympics have been moved to a much safer place.. Chernobyl.
The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.
I’m not saying I’m a hero, but I did just give a bottle of wine mouth to mouth.
It didn’t make it.
hello 9-1-1? my girlfriend’s been kidnapped
“stay calm sir, what’s ur girlfriend’s name”
oh she goes to another school u wouldn’t know her
they should invent a romcom where no one has to overhear anything that leads to a huge unnecessary misunderstanding
#YouHadOneJob #SuperBowlXLIX
When you “pspspsp” too hard
Me: Good night Moon
Moon:
Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!
Hubs: Is that the same oreo as before?
3yo: No.
Hubs: Is that a new one?
3yo: Yes.
Hubs: Are you hiding them around the house?
3yo: …Yes.
‘oh there’s not a big enough piece of cheese left to grate I’ll just eat this last bit’ *shoves 2/3 of a mozzarella ball in my mouth*
Age 8: “Being a werewolf would be fun!”
Age 18: “Being a werewolf would solve all my problems.”
Age 28: “Being a werewolf is an escapist power fantasy for emotionally stunted children.”
Age 38: “Being a werewolf would be fun AND it would solve all my problems!”
Husband said, “If you were really THAT funny you wouldn’t have to always say COME ON, THAT WAS FUNNY.”
So now I have a tombstone to select
What idiot called it a scarf and not a necromancer??
“Can you veegle your toes for me? Veegle your toes.” – Dracula, ER doctor
the most efective way to clean ur room, start a creative project, run errands, cook, brush ur teeth and take a shower is to study for a exam
One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.
Courageously battles through my ice cream headache
4-year-old: “Frozen” is on TV!
Me: We have it on DVD. And Blu-ray. And digital download.
4: Yeah, but this one is on right now.
My son: little pig, little pig, let me in!
Me: Ok first of all, rude because, yes, I have been eating more lately, no need to get personal son
My son: say your line mummy!
Me: not by the hair of my ch- OK I’M NOT PLAYING ANYMORE
“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”
~All accountants
“You can’t get married,” the priest furiously shut the door while I stood outside embracing my fiancé, a beautiful corndog with a ring on it