Just saw a tiktok of a family introducing their newborn to their cat and after it smelled the baby it went to another room and threw up LMFAO
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[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots
*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*
*buys all the lottery tickets*
Just did a seductive hair flip and an onion ring flew out.
A rat followed me home in a dark street in DC, so I pretended I was on the phone with an exterminator
He took my last fry, your honor
Time estimates:
“Give me one sec” – Within the hour
“I’ll be one minute” – An hour or two
“I’m on it” – Maybe today
“In a bit” – Sometime this week
“It’s on my list” – Perhaps this month
“Leave it with me” – Possibly never
“If I have time” – Never
Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.
How’s the parenting going over here?
My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”
Doctor: “I think this patient is dying. What blood type is he?”
Nurse: “B positive.”
Doctor: “Okay. I don’t think this patient is dying.”
[wife calling make-a-wish foundation]
he says he’s “dying from ennui” does that count
Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.
Me: *Being strip searched*
Cop: The dancing really is not necessary
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
I think this cat is broken
What’s upsetting about hearing my neighbor have sex is realizing she can hear me ask my dog if we’re best friends multiple times a day
the worst part of jury duty is having to shower with all the other jurors
JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?
MARIO:
JUDGE: it’s a fine
MARIO [sadly]: no itsa not
Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.
I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.
My 7yo decided to make his video game character “look like daddy” by making him a grumpy necktie-wearing gorilla covered with gray hair, and I’d be mad but honestly the resemblance is uncanny
mcdonalds’s with a small walmart inside
if harambe happened today it would be like the 40th thing down in the news. it wouldn’t even make the ticker
He said I won his heart and I was all “Ugh can I just win like $20? How about a sweater from Sears? A pencil? I could really use a pencil.”
Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.
[court]
Defense lawyer: Oh great.
𝘛𝘩𝘢𝘵 judge.
Client: What’s wrong with him?
Lawyer: His name is Thoreau D. Book.
[8 AM]
Me: Time to wake up.
[13 HOURS LATER]
Me: Time to go to bed.
Kid: But, Mom, it’s 9 AM.
Met someone on Craigslist, guess I’m dating a grill now.
cop: you’re so busted
me: thanks. I just had them done
ALERT
At 9:20am, I lost an apostrophe.
Last seen in the word “Let’s”.
If you see it, please send it home.
Its tweet misses it.
Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.