TOUCH NOT MY PONDERING CRYSTAL
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“Money doesn’t grow on trees” is something rich people say so you won’t find their money trees.
A monarchy is crowning a new king & later we’ll watch horses run in a circle for entertainment. Tonight I’m gonna party like it’s 1199.
Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?
Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.
me: I made a model of the himalayas
friend: did you build them to scale?
me: no, just to look at
friend: what
I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.
Typos are gonna be the death of me!
Unless pills, cigarettes, alcohol, unprotected sex, meth, bull fighting or Taco Bell kill me first.
Why procrastinate today
When you could procrastinate tomorrow
I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right
The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.
The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn’t already hate you…
I’m too young to always make noises when I bend down to pick something up off the ground
An elderly poodle just passed me on this run so my post-apocalypse survival rate is very low.
7-year-old: I jumped in a puddle and almost drowned!
Me: You’re exaggerating.
7: It was in that puddle you always complain about.
Okay, it might have been deep enough.
Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.
Manslaughter. The sound of a man laughing?
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed.
[Checking in at Comic Con]
Attendant: How long did you spend on your cosplay?
Me: Seven months
A: *Hands me a badge marked “Casual”*
Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*
My emotional support pig is now my therapy bacon.
Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.
I’m at a fancy restaurant so of course I ordered the Patricia melt.
10 signs that he’s just not that into you
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10. He is a cat.
No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.
What happens when Christopher’s car breaks down?
Christopher Walken
HR: “This is your revised salary. We recommend you keep it confidential.”
Employee: “Don’t worry, I’m equally ashamed of it.”
WIFE: so what do you want for christmas?
ME: [thinking about a bed made out of lasagna and instead of kicking off the sheets at night i eat a layer of noodles] oh probably some tools
[ quarantine, day 46 ]
me: this boredom is unbearable
my cat: ffs have you even tried getting into a box too smol for you
No son, you can’t go out with your friends. Tonight we’re installing Windows Updates, as a family.
Sir, your wife was stabbed ten times, but the missing piece is the murder weapon. So far we have nothing, Mr *checks notes* Scissorhands.
i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire