Saturday
You Might Also Like
Guys you need to work this out.
*water balloon fight at 10 paces*
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.
All these people casually jogging down the street, and then me, looking like I’m trying to pull an invisible dog sled.
every raccoon you see is currently on parole
Him: so you like bad boys?
Me: of course not
Him: oh. but your tinder profile sa-
Me: -wait just a minute [my dog leaves the room] ok he’s gone. no that was a lie, I totally do
I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!
Cookie.
There, happy now? You cunts.
What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?
A sick whale is called an unwhale
i have no idea what’s going on but i want to be involved.
-kids
All great Italian chefs smoke. That’s how they time their cooking. For example, spaghetti boils for 1 cigarette.
Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.
I’m a people person. I live in a house home where I enjoy food meals and listening to music songs.
me: yes, i’m very sexually active and i only drink socially.
doctor: i haven’t asked you anything yet
This guy poured his box of raisinets directly into his bag of popcorn at the movie counter. After my initial shock I bowed to him.
*toddler screaming in car seat*
Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.
Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?
4 was mean to his brother so I read him a story about an unkind crab who becomes stuck in a trap. 4 asked, “Did this happen because the crab was mean?”
Sensing a good opportunity, I shut the book and said, “Yes. And they ate him. The end.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial
Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.
A girl who’s literally called ‘Beauty’ walks around town singing about how stupid everyone else is. It’s a mystery why Belle had no friends.
a cute boy moved in next door and his bedroom window is across from mine, I hope this doesn’t turn into a coming of age film.
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: You need to be punished *takes off clothes*
Me: Yes, I do!
Wife: Do the laundry
the killers: it’s called mr. brightside. verse 1 is about being cheated on
producer: geez does it get resolved in the 2nd verse?
the killers: no, we literally just sing all of that again. won’t change a word
producer: sounds bad
the killers: its the greatest song ever written
Been yelling just awful things at people, trying to improve my chef skills.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.
I am *this* close to adopting a bunch of cats and opening a bed & breakfast called HairBnB.
the compUtah Maineframe has crashed and Idaho how to fix it. Alaska round to find out Hawaii it happened. Are Delaware of the situation?
Some bloke on FB called me a clown. Now I’ve got to go hide under his bed with a knife cause that’s what clowns do.
Keep your friends close and that one chick with a great beachfront condo closer.
Research says that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re most likely to find them in your bedroom. I’m afraid of men with accents so…
Centipede *gets down on 50 knees*
Girlfriend: OMG