ME: if you’re under my roof you follow my rules
SON: fine
ME: well?
SON: *sighs* a ninja turtle could beat up a transformer
ME: thank you
You Might Also Like
Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: Trying to get this piece of shit to play some music
Wife: Well 1st off, that’s my coffee thermos you moron…
My local cinema was broken into last night and goods worth £15,000 stolen: a packet of popcorn and a medium Coke.
Her: Baby, do that thing that makes me hot
Me: *kisses her neck*
H: *slaps me* I MEANT turn the thermostat up dummy, it’s freezing in here
my boss, the chef: you can’t beat eggs for breakfast
me, making an omelette: what
the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit
What’s the most ridiculous rule you’ve seen a HOA enforce? Mine was the neighbour who got told off for growing the wrong kind of lavender
Optimism [op-tuh-miz-uh m] noun
Brushing your teeth before bed, knowing damn well you have a 1/2 sleeve of Thin Mints on your nightstand.
My kids can’t hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.
I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate
[last meal on death row]
“Pepper?”
*nods*
“Say when”
*winks to camera*
And they lived apathetically ever after.
Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.
Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.
Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?
Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot
You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.
Text my grandma if she wants to go to the grocery with me she replied 🔥
like is that hell yeah or does she want to burn it down
Sure, being a lion tamer is dangerous but have you ever gotten a haircut while you had the hiccups?
The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence
The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.
Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?
Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.
I know how to use an abacus as a tambourine.
I need the type of burger that you’d hide from your life insurance company
I’m piloting an SR-71, capable of flying speeds above Mach 3. 85,000 feet above earth, my shadow passes directly over a small town in rural Kansas where there is only one Dairy Queen and one McDonald’s—
My phone: WOULD YOU LIKE CONNECT TO MCDONALD’S WI-FI???
My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”
Email: Would you like to have some fun?
Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*
“I got in a fight at Michaels over glitter glue once, so you should probably step aside.”
-Me, to a guy buying the last of my favorite wine
A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.
It was an unexpected LAN slide.