My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados
You Might Also Like
Super disappointing that the government is taking so long to distribute and administer the murder hornets
Me: the vacuum broke
Husband: that sucks
Me: no it doesn’t
My toxic trait is putting my black phone down on a black surface for “just a second”
went into the office today to catch up w my boss and he was like “i can tell you’re really intelligent” couldnt work up the courage to tell him its just a little bit of psychology and pretending to look focused while he talks 80% of the time
Academia sounds like a disease. But it’s actually much worse.
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.
Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?
3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body
Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school
Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.
Unicorns: *just jabbing holes in everything*
Noah: nope.
just taught my 3yo to sing “if you’re happy and you’ve no wit, clap your hands” and then laugh at the people clapping
my mothers motherly urge to make sure you are eating no matter how full you are
and then suggest you lose weight
[marriage counselling]
Her: he always thinks he’s talking to me on CB radio
Me: I don’t, over
Her: It’s over
Me: It’s what? Over
Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks
A dog or a baby can only survive about 6 seconds in a closed car with the air conditioner off in July; an annoying fly, 2 weeks.
Getting vaccinated in Canada isn’t complicated. All you have to do is find an old raccoon, correctly answer their riddles, accept a quest to go on a hike through the Northwest Territories to locate an ancient bottle of maple syrup where you will be greeted by an old witch who-
I thought secret rooms would play a bigger role in my adult life. Like the kind of room you access by pulling a book on a shelf or pressing a certain stone on a wall or pulling on a sconce. Also where are all the trap doors?
Hostage negotiator: I don’t quite get your demands.
Me: “You do NOT need any chips. Please leave them alone.”
6y/o, running off with bag of chips: “Yay, it says it’s Party Size!”
*trips, dumps half of the chips on the floor*
8y/o: “I think it’s more of a Family Size bag now?”
My husband has officially reached peak dad status.
Driving through Sequoia National Park and he turned the radio off so everyone could see.
*Bursts into bank*
Robber: THIS IS A ROBBERY. HANDS UP. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bank clerk: No that’s clearly a shotgun
2nd robber: OOOH SNAP!
You never realize how many people you hate until you try to name a child.
Facebook friend: What a busy day! Aydyn had a soccer tournament and then we completely remodeled the kitchen, then we did a 20 mile bike ride and finished the day with reading 15 chapters of a book!
Me: *is impressed that I actually finished reading her post*
My wife and I have agreed on a trial separation.
The kids aren’t to keen, but my wife and I just don’t want them anymore.
squid in the streets, octopus in the kitchen, did i do that right?
Me with megaphone: “COME DOWN FROM THERE. YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR.”
Man: “I’m fixing your roof tiles, remember?”
Me: “I FORGOT!”
[first date]
Date: tell me something you’re were really good at as a kid.
Me: spelling bee.
Date: oh nice! do you still got it?
Me: b-e-e.
Me: hey, I’m looking for an email.
iPhone mail: this one from 2012, unrelated to your search?
Me: no it was last week
iPhone: can’t find it.
hm so saying “oh god” and “oh yes” during sex is acceptable and encouraged but as soon as i say “oh text RESIST to 50409 to support net neutrality” im suddenly ruining the mood??