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My son 🙋🏽♂️was SO cute today, he asked me “dad are clouds candy?” 😍 I told him they were water. 💦 Then he asked “dad, what’s Earth’s defense system?” and then I remembered I don’t have a son and he asked again his eyes now obsidian black “what is the defense system father”
When they announce
“all youths stay behind after church. Your Help is needed around the church premises”Me:
I said it out loud and I can’t stop giggling lmao
HO_SE BOAT
I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat
Young coworker: You gotta check out Marshmello and the Weeknd!
Me: Nah, I don’t enjoy camping.
Ken is short for chicken
“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.
Dammit, stop summoning me to fight global warming! I’ll believe it when the remaining 3% of scientists believe it! -Republican Capt. Planet
Startle and amuse your cat by replacing its kitty litter with Poprocks. (Ladies: feel free to share this idea on your pinny website thing.)
Vacationing Putin fished, hiked, swam, and wrestled a bear.
Vacationing Trump rode a golf cart to his other golf cart.
Me: *turns on faucet*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*
Me: *turns on the garbage disposal*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*Repeat forever.
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it was meant to be…or Stockholm Syndrome. Most likely Stockholm Syndrome.
me: thanks for the new bath toy
her: you’re welcome
me: oh and it makes toast too?
yall want some gasoline milk
[before cones were invented]
*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way
Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.
If you drive a Hummer, I will assume you are a douchebag. If aforementioned Hummer is bright yellow, I will crown you their king.
The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I’d go on a road trip with my mom.
My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful
Sometimes I like to play the power card and remind my husband that I was once woken up to a phone hitting me in the head. He tied it to the ceiling fan to reach a certain number of steps and it flew off.
Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.
*has no girlfriend or kids*
*gives out dating and parenting advice*
*Handed a baby*
Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?
If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.
It’s hard to believe in God when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.
I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.
carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled
Saw Top Gun, and I think with the right amount of mustache, I could definitely fly a jet.
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?