My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004
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[first date]
date: i’m an optimist
me: wow i’ve never met a transformer before
My husband just left town for a work trip. I didn’t want him to miss out on anything so I made him a mixtape of the kids whining.
I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.
Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.
i just overheard this conversation from my family and i honestly give up jesus christ
sister: the bus driver earlier had sunglasses on + it’s been raining all day
dad:
sister: i wonder why. maybe he was blind?
dad: oh yeah, maybe
[they watch tv in silence]
me: ?????
#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?
i choose….tongue
I should have been a cat, bc all I do is sleep and the rest of the time I’m just weird.
I attempted a smoky eye for a Zoom pitch, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight so I’m going with that story.
Fun Fact:
The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.
Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die
Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy
003: Hey
004: Hey
003: Hey
005: Hey
003: Hey
006:
003: I said Hey
006: What’s going on?– 4 Non Bonds
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
Me: for really important stuff i guess
CNN: an Iowa woman just ate 37 McRibs
Me: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
Me: she did what
Realize this:
What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer
genie: are you sure?
me: just do it
*my dog winks and gives me a fist bump for the third time*
donald trump: ILL HAVE THE SUPER SALAD!
waiter: lol no I said soup OR s-
[assistant sliding $100] just bring him a huge bowl of lettuce
When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
Sometimes I find myself feeling hopeful for the future of the human race but then I remember there are grown men who like My Little Pony.
Lawns are weird. Let’s grow 7000 of the same thing and nothing else.
I told my therapist what you said and she’s gonna call your therapist and you’re in big trouble
Me: For my 1st wish I want a box of Triscuits
Genie:Are u sure? U can buy them at any store
Me:My 2nd wish is for u to mind ur own business
When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…
to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.
Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president
idk how to explain it but this cat Iook british 😭😭
I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.
Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me
Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality
[Camping]
Her: You didn’t bring food?
Him: No
Her: Or toilet paper?
Him: Why would we need toilet paper if we don’t have food?
Friend: You’re so calm and quiet lately- I like this peaceful side of you
Me [my brain rotating like an insanely out-of-control taffy machine]: haha thanks
I’m confident that I could drink sea water if I had to. Like if I needed to, my body would just handle it. I’m not saying scientists are wrong but they don’t know me.