I confused the spatula with a flyswatter is why that is floating in your soup.
You Might Also Like
My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.
I call a spade a “spade.”
I also call a horse a “horse” and a pencil a “pencil.”
When it comes to calling things by their names, I am no one to be trifled with.
*first day as a lawyer*
Bailiff: All rise for the judge.
Me: *too lazy* Objection.
🎶Dough; a base, a pizza base
Ray; a pizza deliverer!
Me; a guy, who eats pizza
Far; a bad place 4 my food!“Sir, place ur order or hang up”
[the first couples argument]
Adam: It’s Christmas Eve.
Eve: No, you idiot. Christmas is tomorrow.
[whale watching]
whale: can someone close the drapes please? He’s back again
Mom watching Parasite: Turn it up, I can’t hear what they’re saying
Brother: They’re speaking Korean!
Mom: Shhh
My son just showed me something he made and asked “Do you like it, or do you love it?” and those are the only options I’m giving people from now on
Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.
The Carpenters did not have nearly enough songs about hammers or sawdust
Come here you little vixen and let me take off your top.
-me to my beer.
I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.
[tv interview]
I’m with Amy. Her house was damaged by the floods, how are you?
[cut to Amy crying]
MORE LIQUID IS THE LAST THING WE NEED AMY
A good way to make sure people leave you alone at work? Let them catch you laughing at the urinal
On the second day of Christmas break my children gave to me 37 loads of laundry
“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate
Peanut butter
You’re almost as good as chocolate
Which is almost as good as cheese
Which is tied with vodka-Poem about the food pyramid
“You need to chill out, you’ve yelled at everything that isn’t a snack.”
–my 10 year old
*kicks house door down* I SAID HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS INTO YOUR LIFE?
HER: but you can’t leave me – I’m carrying your baby!
HIM:
HER:
HIM: actually, that’s how babysitting works. I’ll be home in 2 or 3 hours
Instructions in the Men’s Room for hand washing. Because non-hand washers can’t be bothered unless there’s an opportunity to learn stuff.
me: this english class is stupid who needs grammar
{ 15 years later }
me, leaning to lawyer: what the hell is a sentence
Therapist: So what steps can you take to break your people-pleasing habits?
Me: Ask my mother what she wants me to do?
Therapist: No.
Me: Sorry. Are you mad at me?
Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.
I really wish Facebook would stop suggesting that I make a FB story while showing me the most recent photo in my camera roll, it’s my freaking grocery shopping list
[3 days into dieting]
*sees ad for burger & fries*
*drowns in his own saliva*
My daughters built this elaborate house setup for their dolls, so I went over and threw a bunch of trash in each room to make it more realistic.
one time i was listening to some really cool people having a conversation when one of them suddenly turned to me & asked, “what are you doing here?”
This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along