me: my car makes a funny noise
mechanic: that’s the horn
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me: can we discuss my crippling fear of elephants?
therapist: i’m all ears
me: *screaming*
Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.
i can promise you i will never love anyone enough to ride a tandem bike with them
[first day being homeless]
What thread count are these newspapers?
“just sayin” who asked you though?
Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.
Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.
When I was a kid: why do athletes retire in their 30s they’re still so young
Me in my 30s now: *trying to get up from a couch* yep ok
Just saw my Nana for what will probably be the last time. She’s very healthy but never wants to see me again.
I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks
If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team
Me: honey, want anything from the grocery store
Him: I feel like grapes but I don’t really like grapes
Me: say no more
my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call
Not really a humane solution in my opinion
Hubby is trying to get it up…There we go…Ok now it won’t go down-oh there it goes…Shit, now it’s going back up!
Garage door is broken
Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.
[God naming things with his good friend Brent]
God: Shirts, but for your legs
Brent: Pants
God: Nice. Ok what about the sound of a dog breathing
Brent: Pants
God: You’re killing it today, Brent
Co-pilot: you need to let the passengers know but keep them calm
Me *presses intercom* how fun is swimming?!
Dog: You’re back!
Me: Yes
Dog: I missed you so much!
Me: Aww, that’s sweet
Dog: Seriously, I almost died of loneliness
Me: Okay, but I was in the bathroom for like a minute
Dog: DON’T. EVER. LEAVE. ME. AGAIN!
*Looking at new prescription from Doctor*
Me: Take on an empty stomach? Guess I’m never taking these pills.
Well, this explains it:
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?
The best defense against auto theft is not The Club. It’s 65 empty water bottles in the back seat and a rear window full of stuffed animals.
Tell them how you feel about them and if they don’t feel the same way, pretend you’re drunk and thought they were someone else.
Come back tomorrow for more advice on romance. Not from me though, I don’t have time for that shit.
I was just on a date with a woman and, while showing me a video on her phone, saw she received a text that said “well, looks aren’t everything.” Oof
Great minds think alike, but so do dipshits.
Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.
How did the small bear lookalike creature got home when it’s scooter broke down?
Ewok’d the rest of the way.
#BearDay #RubbishJokes
If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?
I was playing doctor with my kid and she prescribed me a potato