And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…
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hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
so imagine going to the store.. buying rolls of plastic.. tape.. etc.. and after the cashier is done.. “anything else?” and say “oh sorry.. forgot this” and pull out dexter.. the complete series out of the cart…. when they ask how you’re paying “uhhh we’re going with cash”
when hoodie season starts don’t ask me if i’m wearing anything under because this is what imma do
idk why the paint store guy had to tell me not to drink it I’m not gonna drink paint my dude I mean maybe I’ll try a little to see what flavor it is ok yeah
ME: Diligently sanitizing countertops, faucets, door knobs, light switches, remote controls, phones, hands,
ALSO ME: Eating a piece of a Kit Kat I dropped on the floor because wasting chocolate? In these times?
ME: Velma cant see anything without her glasses, so in order to find her glasses, she needs to be wearing them
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
DARTH VADER: it’s so hard to date when you’re
STORMTROOPER: …an evil genocidal maniac?
DV: I was going to say a single dad. You’ve made it awkward now
[at work during the pandemic]
BOSS: omg what the hell
ME: I’m wearing the damn mask
BOSS: why down there though
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to align a picture on Microsoft word
What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?
15: I smell upsexy.
Me: What the hell is upsexy?
15: Not much. What’s up with you?
The neighbor has a sign next to the sidewalk under his tree reading, “Caution, this tree has a history of dropping branches.” A “history”? Does this tree have a rap sheet? Is he a bad influence on my trees?
Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.
Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.
[TI and his daughter at OBGYN]
doctor, to TI’s daughter: u have a UTI
TI’s daughter: a what
doctor: UTI
TI: no I’m TI
That’s fair
haha of course i know how to pronounce marchioness of cholmondeley but you go first
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
Therapist: So you had another breakthrough?
Kool-Aid Man: Look I am so sorry we were making so much progress
*heist at the louvre*
Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked
Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb
I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter
Kids are eating leftover cotton candy for breakfast, day 4 of summer break.
Let’s see what next week brings, other than Child Services.
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020
Walking into an eye doctors office 5 minutes after the eclipse and going “I know. I know”
Wife: You wouldn’t believe the day-
*puts TV remote to my ear*
Hello? Hey Bob-
[hand covering remote]
-sorry honey, I have to take this.
I’m single in quarantine and just found a box of googly eyes. I’m going to place them on objects around the house because I miss social anxiety.
The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn’t even apply for the job.