Jaws is exceptionally funny if you just imagine the shark is trying to be friends with the guys on the boat and they keep running away.
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Current situation: laying in bed trying to manifest breakfast
There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.
Lord of the Rings is wild cuz Gandalf told Frodo he had to go on a super dangerous journey and Frodo was like “ok can I bring my gardener”?
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
Cop: so you went out to pick up some fruit when, out of nowhere, 3 ghosts attacked you?
Pac-man [wipes tears]: 4. It was 4 ghosts
your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”
ME: hmm…tastes like chicken
MORTICIAN: get out
learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument
Just so you know – you’re not the first one to make the sign of the cross when watching me eat
Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.
Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these
You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?
I’m like that, but with salad.
my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees
I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
You can describe my personality as being confidently wrong all the time.
If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.
Dog: *Asleep
Dog: *Totally sleeping fam
Dog: *Don’t worry bout me
Dog: *Down for the night
Me: *Gets comfy in bed
Dog: *I gotta pee yo
Daylight saving? I’m ready for daylight spending
Getting married soon just need a spouse
Sometimes I wonder what people without kids do with all that free time. I bet they sit and stuff.
Me: Remember, you’re grounded today.
8-year-old: Why?
Me: For what you did last night.
8: You were supposed to forget about that.
The funniest bit of advertising nonsense is when companies redesign their product packaging but also put “New Look!” in huge letters on it. Yeah guys, I’m buying your mac n cheese because of the updated font size on the box.
Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today & thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops.”
Work tip: if you’re going to ask your boss if you can “work from home”, don’t use air quotes.
My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.
If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.
if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat
*first day at gymnastics class*
Teacher: So you mentioned before you were really good at the bars? Let’s see it!
Me: Oh…um, sure? Hey man can I have 2 beers and round of shots for the table cheers bro.
Teacher: *under his breath* damn he’s good