Just got off 30 min phone call w a friend who has twin 2 yr olds, & even tho i havent had sex in a week I’m taking a morning after pill NOW.
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We need to put an end to all these motion activated Halloween props displayed in the stores. I prefer to do all my leaping and high pitched fear shrieking at home.
Me: sorry I can’t go to the farmer’s market with you. Allergies.
Friend: pollen?
Me: hipsters.
[Enters Building]
“Excuse…”
*Voice fades*
“… anyone…”
“… how to…”
“… out this…”
“… ving door?”
Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?
Mugshot photographer: No
We get it – “Bacardi” rhymes with “party,” “bottle” rhymes with “model,” and “sex” rhymes with “text.” You rappers can stop rapping now.
date: I like to try new foods
me: then you’re gonna love this place *motioning to waiter* NEWER CHIPS AND SALSA, GOOD SIR
People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”
Golfer: *lining up his shot* what do you think?
Me (first day as a caddy): *reaching for a club* i think you should try your best
#AddAWomanToASong How Streep is your love.
Bruce Wayne was terrified of bats & he became Batman, so anyway that’s why I became ClownBaboonDentistMan
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.
Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.
I swear, one more minor inconvenience and I’m running away to join the circus.
If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator
My thoughts are as pure as snow… after the trucks have driven hard and plowed through it.
“By the way, actions don’t speak!” — Words.
Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
Age is just a number, like 100 hours of Community Service.
me *breaking the fourth wall*
architect: oh no
A good spouse doesn’t complain about watching their partner’s stupid shows. A good spouse looks up spoilers online then slowly and strategically makes what appear to be highly astute observations about characters & plotlines, planting seeds that may not bloom for several seasons.
My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.
I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.
I dropped food on the floor and my dog got excited but it was just tomato. I catfished my dog
My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.
I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.
*stubs toe
*puts $100 in the swear jar
Darth: You should not have come back, old man.
Obi Wan: I DIDN’T. I was going to Alderaan. You caught our ship with a tractor beam. Idiot.
Custom Auto Painting
Food truck owner:
I said I wanted it painted solid white. What’s with the red splotches?Me: You sell spaghetti.
People who say “the future is now” don’t understand how time works.
Me: If I walk 10,000 steps but do it with a dog, has the dog done 20,000 steps since it has twice the legs?
Job interviewer: I meant questions about the company
My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.