Wendall feverishly works on a shirt made solely out of ramen
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Snapchat is going public in March
with a $30 billion IPO.Investors only hope the value of stock shares holds up longer than its snaps.
If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.
Note to self: Remove “Does anyone else know you’re here?” from list of first date small talk questions.
Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy
[dinner]
HER: lose the spear
ME: but you said we having wild rice
[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?
date: I won’t be able to see you for a while. I need to focus on watching the World Cup.
me: *flops to the ground clutching my shin*
[7:00:00am] *opening eyes* today is gonna be a great day!!! 😀
[7:00:01am] wait no
[7:00:02am] hold o—
[7:00:03am] stop
Evil Scientist: I will turn you three into…A Human Centipede!
Hostage 1: No!
Hostage 2: Please! No!
Me: So…who gets to be the front?
There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar
[on 1st date]
Him: So why is someone as pretty as you single?
Me: Single? Who’s single? [gets right up in his face] We marry at dawn.
In horror flicks, people say “hello?” when they hear something like a voice is going to reply, “oh hey, it’s me, the murderer.”
Me: You know, in the 70s everyone wanted shag carpet, but now all they seem to want is smooth wood or tile floors.
My Brother: You’re not talking about flooring, are you.
Me: Nope.
mmmm This chocolate speaks my language. Or it would, if it weren’t being eaten. So. I guess it’s probably horrified-screaming my language.
Jumping or hopping seem to be the only way people are able to get in the shower.
I don’t get the uproar over guns made with 3D printers. I mean how would anyone get a potential victim to put those glasses on anyway?
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.
Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.
My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.
Guy – “Hey are you famous?”
Me – “No.”
Guy – “Oh you look like this comedian.”
Me – “I don’t speak English.”
Guy – “Oh! Where are you from?”
Me – “The Ukraine.”
Guy – “My father is Ukrainian.”
Me – “Oh, then I’m from Spain.”
Cop: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: *just ran a stop sign* Yes
Police radio: All units be advised: Dangerous suspect at large with the ability to read minds
Cop: *unsheathing his baton* Well well well
Them: your dog is so cute, does she shed?
Me: only twice a year
Them: and how long does it last?
Me: 6 months
The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.
Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.
How was your night?
Them: You’ve changed.
Me: hmm doesn’t sound like something I’d do.
Chips are not only delicious, but if you crunch them loud enough you can’t hear your children anymore.
Him: I’m an English teacher
Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes
In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.
[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Dada!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Papa!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Great Uncle Bartholomew.
Me: This is bullshit.
Baby: This is bullshit.