wife: Why don’t we run through the parking lot?
me [laying on the ground in front of the car that hit me] Because it’s dangerous
You Might Also Like
Sorry I’m late. The door said PULL, but I don’t believe everything I read.
When you “pspspsp” too hard
Love how Scooby-Doo has the ability to speak and the mystery gang is like nbd
He goes out for a run, and doesn’t even stop to sniff any crotches.
Humans are weird.~Dogs.
I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you
I thought my Monday couldn’t get any worse but then Linda from HR said I can’t *make* people in the office call me Stingray.
POLICE CHIEF: so did you solve the case
ME: not yet, I spent all week hanging these pictures and newspaper clippings on the wall and connecting them with yarn
CHIEF: …
ME: looks cool doesn’t-
CHIEF: totally looks cool
Sorry I turned into a martial arts expert when you tickled me
“Can’t wait to see you this summer” they said
“I’m gonna miss you so much” they said
“Stop quoting me” they said
I mean, COME ON! It’s not like I MEANT to serve sangria instead of kool aid to my Sunday School class but at least those animal crackers were straight up legit!
eek. i forgot hvac guy was in the basement and i have been very aggressively yelling at inanimate objects.
ANGEL ON MY SHOULDER: You should do that important but onerous task
DEVIL: No! Ignore it and have fun!
ME: Hm. Okay, compromise: I’ll ignore the task, BUT I also won’t have any fun
ANGEL: That doesn’t–
DEVIL: wtf, dude, no
ME: *scrolls through Twitter for 3 hours*
I can’t lose this last 20 pounds so I’m just telling everyone that I’m pregnant now.
If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’
I am not telling the truth.
Two days in a row someone has tried using my Apple Card to buy flowers. Buddy, walk over to your neighbors garden and steal some roses like a real man. The world has gone soft.
All I’m saying is if you don’t want me to walk into the women’s restroom put words not pictures on the doors…
Most annoying times to be attacked by bees
3. Seconds after selling your beekeeper’s suit
2. A day before you’re due to set a record for the longest anyone’s gone without being stung by a bee
1. During a battle to the death with your arch-nemesis who’s wearing a beekeeper’s suit
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
“Sir you can’t bring your dog onto the plane”
[labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat]
“Omg captain I’m so sorry”
I’m still waiting for the chicken pot pie I cooked last weekend to cool down.
My 6-year-old wouldn’t stop playing “the floor is lava” so I put a pair of socks on him and told them they were lava-proof, and now he’s mad because I’m the one “making things up”.
ME: I like nerdy girls.
HER: Did you know vultures have smooth heads for easier penetration to the entrails of a carcass?
ME: Yes. Exactly like that.
Become a parent to discover how angrily you can serve someone crackers.
[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no
“If you could read my mind, love…”
– Gordon Lightfoot“Why the hell would think I’d want that for Christmas?!?”
– my wifeSame
A shark, a crocodile and a giant spider walk into a bar.
There’s no punchline. It’s just a typical night in Australia.
[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already
My son just literally ran into a trash can, then got up and walked around it to put his empty snack wrapper in my hand, if you’re wondering what it’s like to be a mom.