Fans that catch foul balls at baseball games should count as outs. Imagine professional athletes swarming some random dude with mustard on his face to end the 9th inning
You Might Also Like
Me: [trying to put on pants]
Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?
I’ve got roughly 12 hours left of summer vacation, and I’m really starting to think that my friends & I aren’t going to stumble across an alien creature stranded in the woods, or discover a secret map providing clues to buried pirate treasure. And that’s just sad.
*Runs fingers over Braille calendar*
Is this a date? It feels like a date.
My grandpa purposefully takes his hearing aids out so he can’t hear my kids. I don’t blame him. I’m jealous of him.
I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym
“UGH. You know how fast the grass grows in the Spring,” she mowned.
I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.
me: can I wish for infinite wishes?
genie: no, you only get 3
me: I wish 3 meant infinite
genie:
me:
genie: *sigh* alright what else?
me: telephones but for dogs.
[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.
My 3yo made up a song called My Mommy Makes Me Happy When She Gives Me Snacks then asked me for a snack. She’s really good at this.
I’m so sweaty at all times I think it would be biologically accurate to call me amphibious.
No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.
Me: [Nudges friend] You should see what I just wrote on the bathroom wall.
Friend: Uh… You do know we’re at my house right?
ME: ooooh can I lick the beater?
HEART SURGEON: please stop calling it that
It started out How did it end
with a Sith up like this?
Dr: do you know why you gained weight?
*Flashbacks to eating fries in the car sobbing and blasting Adele*
Me: no, better run some tests
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
bank robber: EVERYONE FREEZE!
[everyone freezes]
bank robber: [recording everyone] nice! this’ll be the best mannequin challenge yet
Millennial: Pics or it didn’t happen
Great Grandfather: World War II is well documented Ryan
They should make fortune cookies with more obtainable fortunes:
You will vacuum the living room.
You will run into the coffee table.
[FIRST DAY AS A NUDE MODEL]
INSTRUCTOR: Sir, we need you to take off your socks.
ME: (chuckles) Oh, sorry.
INSTRUCTOR: (clears throat) All three of them.
My son is more polite to an Alexa speaker than his own family
Apparently, all it takes is knowing every dinosaur fact in the universe
I can’t wait to sleep in
My bladder: lmao
I really hope my 2 year old daughter is this difficult to get into bed when she’s 18
I support traditional marriage between a man and one of his own ribs.
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked? It’s not like your clothes die too.
Don’t think too hard about why Santa would name a reindeer “Vixen.”
Me: Almost time to sign about us All Hanging Signs.
Her: Um, you mean Auld Lang Syne?
Me: Well, this is embarrassing. I mean, you should learn the words if you’re going to sing it babe.
I was in a district team building meeting today and everyone had to say something they loved. They chose me first and I said vintage Pyrex and the leader said “not your husband or kids?” and this is a level of awkward I’d not experienced yet in life