Suck it losers, I just bought an autographed picture of Jesus for two grand.
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Oh. My. God.
yea yea make ur OJ jokes but remember…ur friends who committed double homicide and were acquitted due to flawed prosecution and the backdrop of mounting racial tensions can also see the jokes 🙁
My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.
Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.
2016: Everyone you love in entertainment will die!
2017: Everyone you love in entertainment is a sexual degenerate.
2018: The dog from Air Bud is the Zodiac Killer.
My mom didn’t give a shit what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern…”
trying to get cows to walk down stairs is a terrible way to find out cows can’t walk down stairs
Dear crush,
If there ever comes a day when you no longer find something to eat, I’m still here…
I mean, there’s food in my fridge 😏
Interviewer: how did you write that song?
Singer: well, I had an epiphany…
Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?
I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school
Coworker: You’ll never guess what happened to me this weekend!
Me: You’re right. *walks away*
My kid sat on the floor of a public restroom, so I had to throw him away and now I have to make a new one.
Parenting is hard, you guys.
When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.
Who are the people getting up and scanning QR codes off the TV??
My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours
Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]
I just need a shovel and a good alibi.
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the housesitter like: “If the leopard seems bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch The Parent Trap.”
A table tale✨
#TheRingsOfPower
Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass
The first rule of bread making club is you only talk about it on a knead to dough basis.
*as i lovingly cradle my mug of tea & gaze out the window at a beautiful meadow where several deer are prancing & butterflies are fluttering around & chipmunks are doing whatever the hell they do an intrusive thought pops into my head*
i wonder if my car is still in the pool?
respect
if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry
no one:
absolutely no one:
my 8 year old: i hate lasagna if someone ever brought me one when im old id make my wife eat it
First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face
bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies
Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish