Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

grandpa: you kids don’t know how tough life was back when-

me: grandpa if you ate a single Flamin’ Hot Cheeto you would die immediately please check your tone

Dogs can be sound asleep, get up and shake it off and they’re ready to go. I tried this and sprained my neck

Four Worst Feelings Ever:

4. Losing your job
3. Romantic break up
2. Death of a loved one
1. Needing to pee when you’re stuck in traffic

“Did you see that new drama last night?”
“No?”
“Oh you’d love it!”
“What’s it called?”
“I can’t remember”
“What channel’s it on?”
“It was either BBC or ITV, I think”
“Who’s in it?”
“That chap who was in the other thing, he’s been in loads of things”
“Right, I’ll check it out”

I had my ring finger removed just to be safe.

Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught

“Ma’am, are you aware that you were going 92 in a 55? I’m gonna need you to step out of the car.”

“Um, I have a boyfriend.”

Sometimes I go to the beach just to show those handsome young men what they’ll look like in twenty years.

Me: sorry I rode a giraffe to your grandmas funeral
Friend: what? that’s not a giraffe
Me: sorry I’m on drugs at your grandmas funeral

My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.

Husband: “They say humans are not meant to multitask.”

Me: *cooking dinner while holding toddler while signing permission slip with foot while shooting lasers from eyes at him* “You don’t say.”

Moses: 🎶gimme one margarita imma open the sea, gimme two margaritas imma set my people free🎶

His people: ugh ya can you get off TikTok? We’re literally being chased

Have you seen the Christmas pizza at Domino’s?

The baby cheese crust.

People who blame autocorrect for their mistakes are just finger painting

I make eating corn on the cob fun for everybody at the bbq by eating it in rows typewriter style and saying ‘ding’ loudly at the end of each row.

Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.

Cop1: Has becoming a father affected your work

Cop2: Not a bit

Cop1: Ok cover me, I’m going in

Cop2: HI GOING IN I’M DAD

[both get shot]

Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.

THE ANTICHRIST: Hey, dad. I’m hungry.

THE DEVIL: Hi, Hungry. I’m Beelzebub, the serpent in the Garden, Lucifer, son of the morning, the fallen angel, Baphomet, the prince of darkness, Mephistopheles, Satan, the truest evil, Mammon, the dragon of the bottomless pit, left hand of—

My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.

My husband and I are looking for someone to whistle show tunes while we have sex in our hot tub. Serious inquires only, please.

I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.

“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”

“Don’t you mean flirt?”

*starts florting*

“OMFG. WTF is that?!”

I wonder if tarantulas are nostalgic for the 70s, when excessive body hair was still cool?

If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.

I talk a lot of shit for a girl who can’t function when the sock seam is twisted.

My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.

So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.

Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.

HIGH SCHOOL BAND TEACHER: Look, you’ve failed at every other classical instrument we have. Do you think you could manage the triangle?
ME: I’ll make you proud, sir!

–CONCERT NIGHT–

ME, standing outside, banging on triangle with a ladle: CONCERT’S READY, Y’ALL! COME N’ GIT IT!