just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair
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I will never understand the people who wait in a long line, finally arrive at the register and then act like they’ve been caught off guard by the requirement that they produce some form of currency for their purchase.
My mom was right. My face did stay this way.
Him: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because I constantly use my toes as fingers?
Him: yes
Me: *wipes a tear off of his face with my big toe* Okay
*1776
Jefferson)How do we gain our independence from England?
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)Great! How do we celebrate if we win
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)I like it
Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence
I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.
every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
11: how large is Scotland Yard?
Me: a yard is 3 feet. So…
11: never mind, I will ask google.
Therapist: What’s something you can do to stimulate your mind during this time?
Me: Bank robbery
Therapist: That’s not a crime
Me: I’m out of ideas
Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things “chocolate” if I can’t eat them. Thank you.
nothing draws me into a true-crime show more than finding out it’s set in my town
“Omg, I know where that is!!”
Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.
Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.
Me: I’m going to be late.
Boss, over the phone: What happened?!
Me, stuck up to my neck in rice: Well, funny story…I couldn’t find a towel.
how does everyone know when fruits are in season.. when did u learn that. did i miss fruit season day in algebra. did u swallow a farmers almanac. why are peaches only in season for 8 hours a year
wife: what’s bothering you, hun?
attila: the romans
[outside bar]
angry guy: [rips off shirt, puts up fists]
me: [carefully removes jacket & shirt, spends a full minute folding them neatly using the KonMari method]
angry guy: omg this is literally why I wanna hit u
Well, that’s disappointing. I called every crematorium in the state, and they all only do dead people.
My neighbors started Christmas decorating right after they ran out of Halloween candy so I called the police.
Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)
You’re going to have to be just a tiny bit more specific for me, bud
alien: we have come to destroy all humanity
me: hell yeah
alien: what? I said we have co-
me: hurry up
Me: is this dishwasher safe?
Nurse: *taking back baby* absolutely not
I was in Tesco today & this bloody weirdo was following me around
NOO THERES A MOSQUITO IN MY ROOM AND IT WANTS ME. BAD
On my tombstone:
She died still despising
deconstructed food
My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.
Ah, spring is here. Time to open the windows and remind my neighbors that I know every word to the “Grease” soundtrack.
Him: No more coffee for you.
Me: “Why? I’m fine,” I say while detailing the neighbor’s car.
Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up