[proudly displaying macaroni art on my refrigerator]
“No, I don’t have any children. Why do you ask?”
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[Service Dept]
Mechanic: Ma’am, your alignment is all out of whack. Is this an off road vehicle?
Me: Sometimes. But never intentionally.
Harsh but true birthday card from my parents
I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying
I’ve made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they’re both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.
Fun bible fact: No records exist of Jesus’ life from age 12 to 30 because he was backpacking across Europe with his pet Pterodactyl
The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
Do you have to go to the bathroom?
No
You sure?
Yes
How about now?
No
Now?
No
[movie begins]
Daddy?
FOR CRYING OUT LOUD
its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
Therapist: it’s not real. you have to stop deluding yourself
Me: no I really am a gryffindor I swear
Therapist: abbie, we both know you’re a hufflepuff
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?
My therapist: And how are you doing this week?
Me: Oh. I’m good. Great. Things are great. How are you?
YOU: Do you have any healthy snacks in this house?
ME: I donut
How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?
Wives – 3
Men – What?
Don’t “psh” me, Coca Cola I just opened.
#WhatMostWomenWant A man with a vibrating penis.
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
No thank you free mattress on the side of the road, I prefer to get my crabs the old fashioned way, by sleeping with complete strangers.
The house has to be spotless so the AC repair technician isn’t disappointed in me.
Well played, super clean sliding glass door I thought I’d left open. Well played.
My smoke detector just started beeping due to low batteries which is weird because it’s not the middle of the night
Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.
The rule for washing jeans is once every financial quarter.
whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes
A dating app to meet other people with low IQ called OK Stupid
Dog: I am more loyal, intelligent, and social
Cat:
Dog: I am faster, stronger, and more dangerous
Cat:
*power goes out*
Dog: *panics and runs directly into the wall in the dark, knocking himself out cold*
Cat: you were saying
“This is the funniest video on the internet right now”
Me: Sees Video
Me: Checks Internet
I want this so bad
my favorite six seconds of every contemporary horror movie is when they try to solve the problem with their phone and verbally recognize that they are out of their cell provider’s service area
Me: Do you need a sample?
Nurse: Ma’am we just need to swab your throat
Me: But I gotta pee and I don’t want it to go to waste