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Yesterday 4 said Stanley the snail on our outside wall was his best friend. Sadly Stanley fell off the wall overnight & showed no signs of life. I was worried how 4 would cope but turns out he’s already best friends with Mary the moth on our kitchen window. 4yos are fickle.
What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer
Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.
If you ever get attacked by a shark, just be a good sport about it and let it eat you. Hey, look on the bright side: It’s a rare occurrence, so you’re special.
WIFE: Did everyone at work enjoy the cookies I baked?
ME: [pretending I didn’t eat them all on the drive in] WHATS WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS?!
[mom and pop shop]
Me: *sniffling* one mom please
opening myfitnesspal and crying while i log Ginger Bread House three times
Honey is one of my favorite kinds of animal vomits to eat.
Nobody loves a thunderstorm more than a teenager who promised to mow the lawn today.
I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.
long ago, the four philosophers lived together in harmony
yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.
I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.
Friend: What was the name of that guy you introduced me to? He had a beard and a hoodie.
Me: Uhhh
F: Really into Craft Beer.
Me:
F: He has a podcast.
Me: That’s every man I know.
Me: I’m gonna go outside and stand in the field
Boss: Haha so we can say you’re “outstanding in your field”
Me: No I want to get hit by lightning
Found this cool rock on a hike today so I brought it home
Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll
Told all my coworkers I shaved my beard but that was a bald-faced lie
I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.
Trying
I told my husband I wanted a hedgehog and he said we don’t need a hedgehog. Long story short, we’re picking it up on Thursday.
I worked out which made me so hungry I ate a wheel of cheese, in case you’re wondering how my new healthy lifestyle is going
I have made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I’ve never made a bad sandwich. From now on I will make no more decisions only sandwiches.
Days after my plane crashed, I find a phone. Thankfully, it has enough battery for me to go online & argue with strangers. I remain stranded
GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff
Me: why not?
GENIE: I make the rules
ME: I wish I made the rules
GENIE: …dammit
Babe are you okay? You’ve only opened one of your Amazon packages
“Any new year’s resolutions?”
“No thank you”
If you ask a haunted doll if they’re possessed they have to tell you.
With no training whatsoever, I took out myself and the other two people exiting the ski lift in one fell swoop.