Keanu Reeves always seems like he’d be a cool guy to hang out with; you could murder a hundred assassins or maybe do yoga.
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Sitting in my backyard is just yelling over the fence at the neighbor kids letting them know my son isn’t home yet.
Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
#NationalGardeningDay
I like how the use of the passive implies William Shatner has no say in the matter
Two guys are driving through Indiana and they stop at a fast food place in Louisville. They start arguing about how the name of the town is pronounced, if it’s Louis-vill or Lou-ee-vill. They ask the cashier “how do you say the name of this place?”
She says “Burger King.”
EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]
me trying to fit into my pre pandemic jeans
What do you call a really small strawberry? 🍓
Strawbarely.
#StrawberryDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.
Things were getting kinda boring so thought it’d be fun to spice things up a bit!
– my 3yo, peeing everywhere except the toilet (after months of no accidents)
hey I just met you
and this is crazy
but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions
for hours maybe
*Answers door naked*
Jehovah’s Witnesses… 😲
Me: Do you have a moment to let me tell you about my sex life? Here, have this pamphlet.
Calling in sick cuz I got the zoomies and gave myself a concussion
I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.
date: what are you thinking about
me: fall should be spelled fa//
date:
me:
date: fell should be spelled fe_ _
*we kiss*
No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.
Hey middle-aged people who suddenly change your first name–screw you. I’m calling you what I’ve been calling you for the last 10 years.
[dark movie theater]
me: *opens soda can*
them:
me: *opens then starts loudly crunching corn nuts*
them: Shhhh
me: *pulls out cast iron with sizzling fajitas*
Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.
Ever tried to pinch a dried yogurt smear off your black leggings and watched in horror as a cloud of dust floated off of them?
Me either. That’d be gross.
The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me: *takes first bite*
waiter: HOW’S EVERYTHING TASTING
My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.
My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth
1995: oh cool, an online book store
2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”
You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.
If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you
ME: [ties a persons shoes together and then runs away] Haha
PERSON: [puts on worlds fastest potato sack racer hat]
ME: Oh no shit shit shit
HER: Impress me.
ME: I own a record label-
HER: Ooooooo
ME: er. A record labelER. It makes labels for my Abba vinyls.
[On WebMD]
I have a sore throat
[Throat cancer]
I wasn’t done, and a stomach ache.
[Cancer]
Couldn’t it be the flu?
[If it wasn’t cancer]