If you cannot hold a poker face don’t bother becoming a parent because if you can’t sell, and I mean truly sell it when you tell your 4 year old that there are no actual tomatoes in tomato sauce, she will never agree to eat pizza again
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My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.
Felt sad when I heard Taylor Swift is now with Tom Hiddleston.
Apparently, my subconscious thought I had a chance with Tom Hiddleston.
God: *creating Eve from Adam’s rib*
Adam: That’s a weird way to make people
God: Lol wait till you see how she does it
I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.
Female Coworker: I just got this implant in my arm. It’s for birth control.
Me: I didn’t even know an arm could get pregnant.
Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.
My phone autocorrected “people” to “pricks” because my phone knows all of you
*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
Her: Let’s go see 50 Shades of Grey
Me: Tonight?
Her: Yes
[After the movie]
Her: OMG that was so hot!
Me: Mom, please just stop talking
I feel like people are in such a hurry these days, that there isn’t enough moseying happening anymore. Dont even get me started on sauntering and lollygagging.
I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.
I jammed the laundry room door and now I can’t get in there and WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF DOING THIS SOONER?!
If you force me to choose sides, I’d choose mashed potatoes.
Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.
There are many reasons relationships don’t work out.
DIstance should never be one of them.
You want them?
Go get them Xxx
Back in my day, ketchup only came in glass bottles. I’m grateful for the life lessons it taught me; most problems can easily be solved with patience or a knife.
my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
Social media for large reptiles: Instagator
I have a joke about trickle down economics.
99% of you won’t ever get it.
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks. The Thin Mints are mine, bro.
{On Tinder}
ADAM: *Swipes right*
EVE: *Swipes left*
GOD [clears throat and presses intercom]: Eve can i have a word with you please
You never know how strong you are…until your power steering goes out.
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.
Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.
*passes thru suburbs* roll up ur window, son. this is a bad neighborhood. this is where ppl who comment on newspaper articles live
*knocks on bathroom stall wall*
Forgive me father, for I have sinned.
“Huh? What?”
It’s been 3 days since my last-
[sound of diarrhea]
Each time my husband yells for the Warriors an angel (me) uses his credit card.
Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.
My Jehovahs Witness coworker got mad when I started calling him the “Knock-topus” after he spilled ink all over his shirt