‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic
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my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, & open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
Anyone who has got experience dealing with a friend or loved one who was an addict? Do you have any resources that you found useful? Can you please share? I love you all. Stay safe out there.
My kids have pulled out the NERF guns. What could possibly go wrong?
I’m a writer because one time an English teacher read my dumb essay to the class as an example of how to write and I’ve been chasing that high of external yet ultimately meaningless validation ever since.
I’ll never salute you, General Settings
(pretending to be well-read to impress a girl)
War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one
“What was your favorite part?”
I’d have to say the Peace
Me: Well, time to go to bed.
[lies down, pulls sheet up, closes eyes]
Anger: Feel that rapid heart beat?
Me: I do.
Anger: You’re thinking about how Nellie Breton didn’t invite you to her pool party in 12th grade.
Me: Damn it.
After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is
Rappers reintroduce themselves on their songs but you expect me to remember who you are because we met a couple of days ago? LOL
Wife: We need to go to the store. We’re out of milk.
Me: We can wait a few days.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: *dives in the car*
One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.
Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.
Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.
Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.
my fridge has a screen so sometimes I get bored and photoshop myself to make it look like im in there
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
Relax, folks. The dentist apologized for killing #CecilTheLion after he found out Cecil was famous. He meant to murder a NON-famous lion.
The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
‘money doesn’t buy happiness’ okay then give me all of yours
I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
How is this not always the biggest story of the day?
Cop: License and registration please.
Me: Give me a second, I’m drunk.
Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?
Me: No.
My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.
I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.
We all have family for that..
Did you survive the titanic based on your zodiac sign
Aries: yes
Taurus: yes
Gemini: yes
Cancer: yes
Leo: no
Virgo: yes
Libra: yes
Scorpio: yes
Sagittarius: yes
Capricorn: yes
Aquarius: yes
Pisces: yes
At 11am my neighbour told me she’d been for a run, baked a cake and done 2 loads of laundry so I told her if she came at me with that kind of talk again I’d have to call the police
When I worked at Olive Garden I once had a man get really mad at me because the red sauce was made with tomatoes and that’s basically what it’s like having kids
Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.
We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.