Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now
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Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime
Me flirting: So do you like bread
*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
Um
*dog tackles me from behind*
I’m sick of everybody in this house.
-me, who lives alone.
The hubs accidentally shrunk a shirt of mine…guess I have no choice but to accidentally shrink a paycheck of his😎
Keanu Reeves: THERE’S A BOMB ON THE BUS! IF WE GO UNDER 50MPH WE’LL EXPLODE!
Me: [while maintaining eye contact, presses “Next Stop” signal]
Me : Sorry I’m late. The clocks changing confuses everybody, right?
Boss : Ron, it’s been 2 years. You emailed me saying you were dead.
Going to put on a flowing gown and rush up to hikers in the forest, grab their hands and place a gold ring there before uttering “keep it safe” and running away like I’m being chased
5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going
[first day of quidditch practice]
Remember kids, witches get snitches.
Me: Dropped my phone & now screen doesn’t work.
Help forum: Should’ve had a better case.
Apparently, my mother works in Samsung support now.
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”
Me in tagged photos
Who teaches the chickens to fry a steak?
Divorce Attorney: I can’t just write “irreconcilable differences” on the papers, can you be more specific?
Wife: Well latel-
Guy Who Brews His Own Beer: This situation reminds me of an excellent stout I mad-
Attorney: Ok, got it
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
[stewardess]
“Sir, even if you ARE, as you say, the REAL Slim Shady- the captain has asked for all passengers to remain seated at this time”
My uncle brought out a range of women’s nightwear that’s so ugly he’s being sued for gross negligées
How do horror writers compete with current events?
My love language is deader than Latin
The Hobbit 4:
Bilbo’s relatives auction off his stuff
Bilbo puts on his ring
One by one, his relatives die under mysterious circumstances
Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.
Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.
I tried to twerk and have spent most of the afternoon stuffing my waistline back into my shorts.
6-year-old: Spill me some milk.
Me: You mean “pour.”
6: Not the way you do it.
Me: Ugh. Something I ate this morning didn’t agree with me.
[Inside my stomach]
Chicken Quesadilla: “The Notebook” was an overrated film.
The police do not like it when you slowly reveal that your attacker was a ghost. They do not appreciate storytelling or showmanship. I know this now.
I think the bowl of ice cream I ate earlier gave me a stomach ache so I ate a another bowl to make sure.
“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”