[on a date]
Her: I love music
Me: *casually pulls guitar from underneath the table* Oh wow, where did this come from?
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If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.
told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately
COACH: You miss 100% of the shots you take.
ME: You mean, don’t take?
COACH: No. You are, by far, the worst athlete I have ever seen.
Me: *singing*
Teen son: *Grabbing car door handle* “If you don’t stop, I swear to God I’m jumping out!”
He was driving.
I hope the next Adam Sandler movie has a wacky grandpa who uses “bae” all the time so you guys will stop thinking its funny
[Trying to impress a cute girl with glasses]
HER: So what kind of car do you drive?
ME: A bookmobile.
It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice
A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease
The other 10% don’t use Web MD
one of my friends has the most absurd amount of charisma i’ve ever seen. we were recording a music video involving fireworks and the cops got called.
he convinced the cop to be in the music video
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
“Honey the baby is crowning!”
*Lifts up hospital gown*
“Well excuse me YOUR MAJESTY!”
My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.
No I’ve never had a tumor removed, but I did uninstall facebook
[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears
[at my funeral]
puppeteer looks over at my wife: I’m so sorry, it was in his will
[i sit up in the casket]
It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”
me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?
4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie
me:
A load of falling lizards is called a blizzard, right??
Imguana see myself out
Me: Would you like to go out for coffee sometime?
Her: I’d love that!
Me: Great, we need milk and eggs too. See you after while
Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.
Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.
I got 3 looks. And that’s it. I got a teacher look, a mom look, and a raccoon that got into the dumpster behind Chipotle and passed out after eating too much look.
Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?
Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.
Me: Did you see this photo of Abraham Lincoln riding a giraffe?
Her: I’m pretty certain that’s been photoshopped
Me: don’t be ridiculous, they didn’t have photoshop back then
Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.
Stretching? you mean exercise BEFORE I exercise?
BREAKING: Emotionally disturbed man gets into Trump Tower.
He was stopped by security, but not before being named a senior advisor.
me: I just don’t know what you see in me
X-ray tech: twelve ice cream sandwiches. Still in their foil wrappers
I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?