YES I SAW THE TYPO; A Memoir
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Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.
TYRION: People love stories. And no one has a better story than Bran
ARYA, WHO LEARNED SHAPE-SHIFTING AND MURDERED THE INVINCIBLE ICE KING OF DEATH: Bran has what now
What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?
The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.
I just overheard some passing 8-year-old announce that after only two days of school he has already found a girlfriend, and now I have to unpack the fact that I don’t date at even a third-grade level.
I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.
Holiday tip: remember, you only have a few days left to drop out of people’s lives to avoid buying gifts. You’re welcome.
Kids will keep you humble. If not by their words, then by the picture they drew of you.
Which wines pair best with gloating?
@isabelzawtun @UncleDuke1969 I had a customer tell me that wanted 50% off an item because of a sign. The sign clearly stated which product was 50% off, which I pointed out. Her response was “what If I couldn’t read?”
I literally had to just walk away.
They must have gotten it to go.
Me: *quits life and moves into a pillow fort*
Them: You need to live in the present.
Me: *covers fort in wrapping paper*
omfg i HATE when kids scream in public… u have no real problems. it should be me screaming. ME
Genie: you have three wishes.
Me: i want a million wishes.
Genie: oh you’re one of those. Hey Jim! Come on out front! We’ve got one of those back again!
SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and
Me: Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your McOrder?
McDonalds Boss: Again *rubs temples* you don’t need to put Mc in front of words
Me: Oh ok *turns back to customer* welcome to Donalds
It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers
WIFE: why is there a chicken wearing glasses in our living room
ME: he’s my new friend
CHICKEN: *pecks at the floor and his glasses fall off*
ME: oh no where did Cluck Kent go
Gonna celebrate this weekend by flinging hundreds of frisbees onto my neighbors roofs
My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.
People use the term lab rat pejoratively even though there is probably no finer life than one dedicated to solving puzzles and eating cheeses.
It’s kinda neat how every chick you reply to is into celibacy
Please don’t take illegal substances.
Or at least, don’t take MY illegal substances.
Friend: [rubs my shoulder] Aw, honey, your life isn’t over. It’s just beginning!
Me: *sobs even harder
MAYBE PEACH JUST LIKES BOWSER A LOT AND WE’RE FOLLOWING A NARRATIVE OF MARIO THE DELUSIONAL HOMEWRECKER.
*cops pull me from operating room*
Coworker: how was your thanksgiving?
Me: ……….. I assume you want me to hear about yours?
My daughter says people on Facebook are warning to not post about your hairdresser if they make a house call because they’ll lose their license. I imagine vigilante beauticians using the cover of night to sneak out and fight dead ends and gray roots using their capes as…capes.
If you’ve ever referred to yourself as a “diva” there is a 100% chance at least one person you know has fantasized about murdering you.
Hubs left his Amazon account open on the laptop and I swear to God if I’m getting a lawnmower for Mother’s Day there will be bloodshed.
[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly