Me: spreads bacon grease on my toast
Also me: how did I gain weight this week?
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How to cast a summoning spell to bring your children to you, wherever you are: Watch the first 44 minutes of a 51-minute-long murder mystery.
Scheduled an appointment with a trauma specialist to help me address some of the shit I’ve gone through. She’s quite expensive but I think if I don’t do this I’ll probably die so if you’re interested in buying a painting that would be awesome. Check the Insta link in my bio
I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.
Mom: here comes the plane!
Baby: *seinfeld voice* what’s the DEAL with airplane food!?
If I worked at a wax museum, I think a good joke would be to put a wick coming out of all of their heads.
[being strapped to a medieval torture table]
“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”
Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.
Grandparents these days decide to be called things like Nana or Papa or Mimi but why stop there? I’m going to make my grandkids call me Bobcat.
What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
my only concern about UFOs is if they’re staying they should be paying their fair share in taxes.
5: I’m bad at this puzzle
Me: you’re trying your best! Mommy has a hard time with that one too!
5: yeah, because you’re bad at it
facte: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once
Me: I’m a solid eight
Friend: Wow. Out of ten?
Me: What lol god no
Me: I’d like to get this prescription filled
Pharmacist: This is a recipe for chicken marsala
Me: What time should I pick that up?
Cult Leader: Our god must be appeased
Me: Maybe he’d like to be acarroted instead
Cult Leader: …
Wife: Omg I can’t take you anywhere
[parent teacher conference]
TEACHER: little joey has trouble accepting responsibility for his actions
PARENT: good luck dealing with that
Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.
Law Enforcement: We’re cracking down on distracted driving.
Car companies: Here’s a 9-inch TV in your dashboard.
When I was a child I dreamed of being an old west cowboy. When I grew up I realized they didn’t have toilet paper with aloe.
Tornadoes and marriage are alike, because they both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.
broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him
Found a potato way under my kid’s bed and I’m not even surprised, just relieved it’s not that old of a potato
Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!
me: this could’ve been an email
[gets email]
me: no not like that
asked my 5-year-old what she wanted for dinner and she said “not a burned quesadilla” bc in the summer of 2019 I overcooked one side of her quesadilla
Most of parenting after your kids get cell phones is resisting the urge to text them things like “Where did you put my pen?? I saw you using it! Where is it?!!!” while they’re at school
I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.
– How was school?
4: Trenton said his dad likes to go outside and fight lions
– laughs
– oh honey– nobody would name their kid Trenton
My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain
I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.