Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis
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Canadians have a pretty great reputation, in the world and on Twitter – polite, peaceful, community-driven, they don’t wear shoes indoors…
Canada is the reason we put pineapple on pizza.
Discuss.
If I’m ever feeling lost and alone, I know the second I shove way too much food in my mouth, people will miraculously pop out of nowhere.
It’s not a hangover. It’s wine flu.
I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from
everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg
me: i got into harvard!
cop arresting me for breaking and entering: yeah, we know
Funny how strangers who ask you to take a photo of them are always disappointed by your shots, as if they expect to find Yousuf Karsh leaving a 7-Eleven.
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
Remember to practice self-care: Take a walk, meditate, try yoga, paint a picture, murder someone, burn a body, clean a crime scene…
The pizza theorem:
“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”-Science
Me: If I take these, will you do that thing I like?
My sinuses: Oh yeah baby, we’ll let you breathe.
Finding an open electrical socket at the airport and discovering it doesn’t work feels like buying a pair of pants and discovering the pockets are fake.
Diarrhea awareness week starts today. Runs through Sunday.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler just waking up from a nap.
Little kids cough like they are releasing demons into the world
Waiting in line for a bathroom stall that was empty the entire time is not even the most embarrassing thing I’ve done today
I was first in line
I wanted to buy Mariah Carey’s preferred brand of mouthwash, but my wife insisted we purchase Celine Dion’s. So we split up, citing irreconcilable diva rinses.
I’ve been learning to cook.
WIFE: Shouldn’t you be at work?
ME: I took care of it.
BOSS: [to the cardboard cutout of Shaq with my face glued on it]
Nice work today.
“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.
Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house
Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
Me: You know what I don’t get?
Friend: Laid.
Me:
Friend:
Me: You know what else I don’t get?
Just made eye contact with my hot neighbor through the window
Wish I didn’t have 6 marshmallows in my mouth.
8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening
Me: you will inherit everything I own
me: want to help me save the bees this weekend?
her: sure!
[later]
her: uhhh, this isn’t what i thought it would be
me: *pauses reading the bible to a beehive* what do you mean
Some people weigh themselves naked so they get the number as small as possible, but if you weigh yourself with clothes on you can blame like 20lbs on your socks
I guess all my problems started when my buddy broke his arm over the weekend but Monday there wasn’t any space left for me to sign it
Plumber: I think I found the problem
CW: It’s 11:11 make a wish.
Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face.