Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.
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The remote isn’t working! And the TV’s stuck on Food Network again!
“Are you in the kitchen?”
Yes.
“Honey, that’s the microwave.”
I take it personally when I let a car cut in front of me and then they immediately get into another lane. Come back you are with me now.
Me: I’m gonna renovate the house once I get my promotion. After that, kids maybe?
Date: Are you still talking about The Sims?
Me: Of course.
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.
The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to
ME: I got fired for microwaving fish at work
HER: whoa, fired? that seems harsh
ME: whatever, I didn’t like working at the aquarium anyway
Who called them accountants and not sumbodies?
Setting a dowry for my teenage daughter. So far I’ve got 2 dogs, 1 little sister and an ant farm. Act before midnight, I’ll toss in an iPad.
Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.
I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.
a BIG dipper ? in this astronomy ?
Any real fan knows the T in Thor is silent.
I don’t care what the scale says.
I know it’s time to start exercising if a wolf tries to huff & puff & blow my house down.
*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”
[Cretaceous Period]
T-REX: *eating pterodactyl, sad* I just wish it were meatier…
DRUNK GUARDIAN ANGEL: A meteor? Tha’s weird but ok 1 sec
me: I’d like to withdraw 100K
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”
I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”
Me: WHY AREN’T YOU CLEANING YOUR ROOM LIKE I ASKED?
My 6year old: You only asked once
I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.
The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.
Microwave sparked and is suddenly dead, now I really have no idea what time it is.
Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you
I’m on the steak diet. You just have four steaks for breakfast, four for lunch, then a sensible dinner of six steaks.
Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.
The next person to take my tweets seriously is getting $500
Axl Rose: Where do we go?
Me: Left
Axl: Where do we go now?
Me: Straight.
Axl: Oh, where do we go now?
Me: Damn it, Axl, let me drive!
I told all my neighbors that I have a twin . . . so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
Take your age, multiply it by 3, divide that number by 3. That’s how old you are.