Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.
You Might Also Like
Not much is worse than that feeling of going back to work after a lunch…or a vacation…or just going to work in general
gf: remember, my dad’s really into sports, so talk to him about that
me: will do
[later, meeting girlfriend’s parents]
me: so, sir, jen tells me you’re really into sports
her dad: that’s right
me: why
How is it that my kids can never find their own shoes but…
Easily find the one ice cream sandwich I hid behind the peas in the freezer.
Me: I don’t appreciate being unexpectedly hit with goose liver.
Waiter: I’m sorry for throwing you a surprise pâté.
When you get your nails done to show up all the haters it’s a mani petty
I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.
My grandparents had a Radio and had 9 kids; My parents had a TV and had 3 kids; and I have Twitter and I think the family ends here.
I like waiters.
They bring a lot to the table.
Dating is just wondering why some people are single and figuring it out.
Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit
Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.
make parties more interesting by telling strangers “I want you to know that I personally have no problem with you being here”
What if instead of meth you made the powerpuff girls?
Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling’s name.
2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever
“You tell Marcy that she can ask someone else to bring snacks to book club next time if it’s going to take three weeks for me to get my dish back.”
You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”
Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.
Saying “let me show you how it’s done”
– arrogant
– condescending
– vibe killerSaying “this is how we do it”
– it’s Friday night and I feel alright
– the party’s here on the west side
– so I reach for my 40 and I turn it up
– designated driver take the keys to my truck
I’m never happier to not have small children than when I hear a disney on ice commercial
[coming out of coma]
Doc: You survived the heart attack
Me: I’m going to eat right & get fit
D: *shows me hospital bill*
M: *pulls plug*
Rhythmic banging against the wall, his hands grasping the sheets. Unable to get what he needs, he gets out of bed to turn off the Roomba.
*hears giggling kids
7: Then baby cows can just walk into my house!
Me (in the bathroom): WHAAAAT?
If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material
my kids are suddenly asking why the leprechaun didn’t bring them anything or cause any chaos in our house and apparently me yelling “we aren’t Irish!!” isn’t a good enough explanation?
Started a deadly new feud with my chiropractor midway through neck treatment and will now have to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder.
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.
I think I’m being stalked…