If the world made any sense, all sperm whales would be male.
You Might Also Like
Dog 911: what’s ur emer-
Dog: MY HUMAN IS TALKING TO ME
Dog 911: so?
Dog: THEN HE ANSWERS FOR ME IN A WEIRD VOICE
Dog 911: OMG
Dog: OMG
Creams that smell like fruit play with your brain.
Tempted to eat my own leg.
Smells like mango, but would probably taste like rare steak.
I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
Jimmy Fallon:
Squirrel guest: *tail twitching like crazy*
Jimmy Fallon: HAHAHA that’s so great
Obviously the Asian gentleman I saw flush the urinal with a karate kick doesn’t mind perpetuating stereotypes.
I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.
Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled
KID: Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
ENDANGERED NORTHERN SPOTTED OWL: You cannot possibly think this is a priority for me.
the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
I wish I lived in the 20s so I could wear hats, smoke cigarettes and say stuff like, “Hey big cheese, this giggle water is the cat’s meow.”
Hey girl, on a scale of ‘Neo’s mind in the beginning of The Matrix’ and ‘Neo’s mind at the end’, how free are you tonight?
me: u ok babe?
babe: oink
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
about 25 yrs ago there was a tornado warning in my town & my neighbor’s 4yo kid screamed “a tomato’s coming” but the tomato never came & i think about that to this day
If you don’t charge your Fitbit, it can’t express disappointment in you.
Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.
kids play hide and seek like
Guantanamo Bae
Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.
*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.
I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.
Please help. My husband just started running. He runs in jeans. With a belt. I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this. I am so alone.
I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.
“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
The average person swallows over 4,000 spiders each year. More than that. Tens of thousands. Hundreds of thousands of spiders. It’s crazy.
Me: OMG I feel amazing!
WebMD: sounds like cancer!
Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.
What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
Sports bra is so tight my cleavage starts at my chin