love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
You Might Also Like
I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?
[First date]
HER: I want a man who is intensely passionate when he sees something he wants
ME: PASS THE FREAKING SALT
Good morning, especially if they tried to make go to rehab and you said no, no, no.
Robert, you forgot to shut the window. That baby flew in, again
My southern mother forbid me to ever tell the story of when she accidentally got in bed with my boyfriend thinking it was me until she touched his hairy back so I will obviously take that to my grave
My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday
Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️
Me looking for something to eat….
⠀
Instructions: bake for 25 minutes.
⠀
Me: ugh, that takes too long. I don’t feel like dealing with it.
⠀
*proceeds to door dash overpriced food that will take 45 minutes to arrive*
Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues
“No one told me we were picking weapons today. What’s left?”
– Donatello
what sorcery is this? How does my VLC player know its christmas ????
robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference
boss: you’re six hours late
People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”
my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead
Can hardly wait until my winter fat turns into spring rolls.
Whenever I babysit I wear a wig. When the parents leave I cut off 90% of my hair. I tell the kids if they don’t behave, they’re next.
My kids, when I tell them, “Stop trying to talk over one another. If you each want to tell me something, tell me one at a time, so I can understand you.”
Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.
I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience
i was just sitting in my car and someone confused me for an uber and now i guess we’re driving across the country to stop his ex girlfriend’s wedding because he still loves her
“Salamanders are fire proof so if there was a fire in your house and everything you have was made out of Salamander skin you’d survive.”
* this “fact” from my 7yr old is untrue and also incredibly disturbing
you’ve heard of fomo now get ready for fobi (fear of being included)
Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.
I’m 20, my face is 18, my voice is 16, my back is 60 🥲.
I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.
If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team
If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.
Tip for lower back pain: injure your neck to take your mind off it.