hot girl doing pouty lips: wow she is so sexy
me doing pouty lips: are…are you going to puke, you have to tell me if you’re going to puke
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I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.
If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.
– Things I have to say to my mom
first you must answer his riddles
People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier
I’m making all of the random open bags of things in our freezer for dinner. Everyone gets 4 chicken nuggets, 5 tater tots, 6 fries, and an onion ring.
A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.
Walk in the club wearing my transition lenses like “What up who’s here gimme about 30 seconds and then we can get this party started ladies”
If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.
That’s not a tweet.
Alcohol: Yes it is.
I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.
I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.
10 is trying to negotiate a later bedtime and just told me he thinks we treat him unfairly because we make him “sleep too much” and I just wish someone would treat *me* that unfairly.
[job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one
“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.
Me: One last time for old times’ sake?
Broken washer: No.
date: I’m an archaeologist
me: my career is also in ruins
I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.
Don’t donate your plasma. It’s a big scam and they’re just using it to make TVs.
Usage Guidelines
Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy
I like older men because their sense of humour was shaped before Family Guy was popular
When a kid is mean to my kid…
(what I say): Let’s rise above their anger and show kindness
(what I want to say): MY WRATH WILL SWEEP THEIR FAMILY TREE WITH THE VENGEANCE OF 1,000 SUNS
Clueless is my favorite movie about how rich people have real hard problems too
wife: Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
me [whispers] Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
toddler [whispers] I planted chicken nugget trees
me: He planted chicken nugget trees
Me: time for bed
Brain: yeah I’m tired too
M: really? wow we may actually get some slee-
B: hey do you think anyone’s died in this house?
MySpace just bought a pack of Ramen noodles.
I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.
Lawyer: do you watch people use the bathroom?
Defendant: no
Lawyer: spell “ICUP”
Defendant: I-C-U-P
Judge: *softly* omg
Jury: *whispering*
Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.
Engineer: we’ve done it. We’ve created the most advanced robot known to man, even capable of feeling emotion
Boss: can he read slightly jumbled letters when trying to sign up to a website?
Engineer: obviously not